Lately I've been feeling a stifled by my own denial. I go through phases where I just simply ignore what I'm feeling. It's usually when something stressful like change or death is happening, and it's rooted in fear. I hold onto this denial, and I go through the motions of everyday and manage to be alright, but there is just this sneaking feeling that I'm ignoring something. That what is going on isn't exactly all there, there is something else happening and that something else is making me feel dull and less fulfilled by my daily life. Now the only reason that I know this is dull and lifeless is because I know what it feels like to be centered and fulfilled, we call it "spiritually fit". So anyway, the way that I figure all of this out, is really embarrassing and uncomfortable. The past couple of times this has happened I usually take it all internally, I hate my body I hate my hair, and it's not a normal amount of dissatisfaction, but charged with extra emotion. So I call someone and I tell them about it, and usually this person is someone that tells me the truth no matter what. She asks what is really going on, and I blurt out something completely unrelated but what is underneath all of the self loathing that I've been hanging onto. I deny myself in other ways when this happens. There is resistance concerning things that I normally enjoy. I don't want to do them. Going to meetings, socializing, reading, drawing, personal things aren't so appealing and there's just a sort of haze over everything. So when I finally connect it all and realize it's what I haven't been doing that's the problem, and that I just have to maintain a few things to keep it from happening again, I begin to learn that I've gotta be uncomfortable, feel the pain, cry about my hair, sound stupid on the phone, NOT KNOW EVERYTHING, so that I can learn. It's not very fun when it's happening, but I feel better when I can see through it and be grateful for it. Because I know how to get to the solution now.
I've been watching Mad Men and on the second disc series there is a five part documentary about feminism included with each disc. I just watched the first part and it really made me realize just how lucky I am to not be completely encouraged in every way to be a wife and a mother. Even though I want those things, it wasn't something that I felt I had to do as a last resort to get out of my parents house, and for survival. I hope that I can remember that the next time I get frustrated with my life. In unpacking from the move, I ran across one of my first college papers that I wrote in 2002 and it's titled "The Ignorance Of Feminism Today". I can't wait to read it.
