I just got home from work. It was a grueling 5:15am to 1 shift. I made sure I went to sleep before 11 last night, and I'm really glad that I did. I'm not ready to die from exhaustion right now, which is nice.
I'm almost finished with Buddhism and the 12 Steps. The last chapter that I read kind of changed the way that I think about God. He talks about the Our Father and people's problem with it in AA meetings. I've struggled with this too because that prayer doesn't really mean anything to me. He goes through it line by line and interprets it in his own Buddhist way and I must say that it made me think a little differently about it. He also touches on the problem a lot of people have with praying "to" something when they don't really believe in some magical being in the sky that will somehow take care of their prayers. And without getting too morally superior or intellectual about it, he explained that when he prays, he does so to the divine that is within him and within us all. This idea of having the divine within was a little tricky to me at first, but after reading and practicing a little more I realized that it's sort of like the divine energy of the entire universe that is inside of every living thing. Humans experience it (or don't) when we can be entirely present in the moment, outside of our mindfulness even. I suppose this is possible. According to this guy it is, but it's definitely a place in which everything is the same... I think. I've still got some research to do on this one.
The topic at the meeting last night was acceptance. It was made me think about my acceptance of life on an everyday basis, but especially self acceptance, which led to body acceptance. I've been trying to lose weight on and off for the past ten years and it's only been recently that I think I've tried to stop looking at my relationship with food as something to abuse or neglect and just listen to my body and feed it when it needs to be fed. This is much harder than it seems for someone like me. When I'm watching what I'm eating, it lasts for maybe three months and then I totally binge for a few weeks. Then I go back to watching, so on and so forth. I don't hate my body, and I've come a long way with accepting it. But I feel now that I've stopped using it attract attention and essentially use it as a substance, I'm much easier on myself to look how I look. I always even out to about the weight that I am now everytime I'm not on either side of the scale. I think I look pretty good, I'm working on accepting the parts of my body that I'd like to change, and overall I think getting so attached is pretty fruitless. It's just another way to reach for outside things to make me happy.
Being tattooed has been a big part of my life for the past year also. I would be lying if I said that I don't like the attention that being a heavily tattooed person gets you. But besides this I feel like it's given me a lot of help with accepting my body for what it is also. I felt this way when I got the hood or my clitoris and nipples pierced. It's just a decoration, but also it's sort of a celebration of what you've got. I think that's pretty awesome.
There's this woman that comes into Starbucks that is physically deteriorating. She's obviously anorexic or bulemic or both and my heart cries every time that I see her. It makes me think about how absolutely insane it is that she would look in the mirror and not be able to see what others see. I know that I've struggled with really being honest about what I look like, as I'm sure many other women have also. It's a little like denial. I feel like the more honest I am with myself the more these things just sort of fall into place and for once in my life I feel like I'm on my way to being happy with the way that I look.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
drugs
I'm going to see my psychiatrist today. I have an appointment with her about every two months to evaluate my meds and just kind of touch base. I've been on the anti-depressant Effexor XR for a year or so, maybe longer, and I've decided that I want to slowly wean myself off of it. two months ago I halved my dose and I've been ok. I've noticed some increased anxiety but you'll have that I suppose. I think I'm going to have her cut me down again. I talked to her at my last appointment about how long she thought I should be on the medication. Apparently it's suggested that someone with a depression/anxiety history like mine to be on it indefinitely, as preventative care for future episodes of anxiety/depression. I'm really not trying to be on this medicine forever. One because it costs me $35 a month and two because I'm trying to slowly rid myself of any sort of chemical coping mechanism. I've recently discovered how much I abuse substances (outside the realm of drugs and alcohol which I've obviously sustained from using). Caffeine is a biggie. I've started to monitor my caffeine intake and was shocked at how much better I felt just cutting down half the amount that I injest on an everyday basis. I jokingly call it my caffeine spiritual experience, but I seriously felt that I was experiencing life/present moment stuff more because I wasn't self medicating with caffeine. I would usurp my tiredness with four shots of espresso before I even had a chance to feel tired. It's a prime example of escaping my body's natural reactions. I'm aiming to be more present at every moment of my life, not just the good ones. I realize that cutting out caffeine and eventually cigarettes (ouch!) isn't going to happen tomorrow. So I'm starting small and gradual with the anti depressants. I'm going to talk to her today about what the next step is. I hope it goes well.
In other news natural instincts has a new hair color that I'm trying out. I've been using the dark brown shade nutmeg ever since high school and they've recently debuted a new shade...EBONY MOCHA!!! I hope it's awesome.
Jason and I are both off today and we've got my mom's car. Not having a car is probably one of the best things ever because when I am able to use one I really appreciate it. None of the bad side effects of car ownership apply: paying for maintenence, not walking when I feel lazy, dealing with traffic etc.
There was a really good meeting yesterday at the church by my house. First let me just say that I'm so grateful for this meeting because it's at a gorgeous church literally five mintues walking distance from my house. It's so nice to be able to walk to a meeting everyday and work and the shop. I love my neighborhood. Anyway we sat outside in the courtyard and the topic was step two which is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I definitely substituted aa meetings for that power for a long while early in sobriety (still do and i'm still early but whatever). I've only recently discovered the small beginnings of an independent spiritual life outside of the aa rooms. This meeting is a gay and friends meeting and there were a couple of transsexuals and a lot of gay men and women there. Probably a majority of the meeting was gay/trans. I felt so honored to be there because everyone just poured their heart out and there was no holding back. It was completely honest and real. I love AA for this reason. It's not too often that you get to sit in a circle outside of a church with a bunch of gay/transsexual alcoholic drug addicts and talk about your experience with god as you understand him/her/it.
In other news natural instincts has a new hair color that I'm trying out. I've been using the dark brown shade nutmeg ever since high school and they've recently debuted a new shade...EBONY MOCHA!!! I hope it's awesome.
Jason and I are both off today and we've got my mom's car. Not having a car is probably one of the best things ever because when I am able to use one I really appreciate it. None of the bad side effects of car ownership apply: paying for maintenence, not walking when I feel lazy, dealing with traffic etc.
There was a really good meeting yesterday at the church by my house. First let me just say that I'm so grateful for this meeting because it's at a gorgeous church literally five mintues walking distance from my house. It's so nice to be able to walk to a meeting everyday and work and the shop. I love my neighborhood. Anyway we sat outside in the courtyard and the topic was step two which is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I definitely substituted aa meetings for that power for a long while early in sobriety (still do and i'm still early but whatever). I've only recently discovered the small beginnings of an independent spiritual life outside of the aa rooms. This meeting is a gay and friends meeting and there were a couple of transsexuals and a lot of gay men and women there. Probably a majority of the meeting was gay/trans. I felt so honored to be there because everyone just poured their heart out and there was no holding back. It was completely honest and real. I love AA for this reason. It's not too often that you get to sit in a circle outside of a church with a bunch of gay/transsexual alcoholic drug addicts and talk about your experience with god as you understand him/her/it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
New Blog
I've recently been reading this book titled "One Breath at a Time Buddhism and the Twelve Steps" by Kevin Griffin. It's pretty awesome. I've tried meditation in the past and did it on and off but never regularly for about a year now. The benefits of meditation weren't really clear to me at the time, and I'm also lazy. Anyway I feel like this book is the one to really click with me on a spiritual level considering this dude is in recovery and a buddhist and all. I've tried the meditation exercises that he suggests and I must say that I'm much more aware of the purpose and benefit of meditation now than ever before. Maybe it just took that year for all the little buddhist seeds of influence to be planted and finding this book pretty randomly was what it took, who knows.
The most useful part of this meditation practice is that of noting thoughts. As I sit with the thoughts that come whizzing at me, I softly note or label them. For example if I'm thinking about wanting a cigarette I just think "wanting" and I consiously let that thought go and focus back to my breath. I find that noting thoughts is extremely helpful in allowing me to let go. I feel like the word puts them into a neat little box that I can then throw out of my minds proverbial window.
Another fairly useful tool is being conscious of my thoughts/obsessions/emotions etc etc as being human and normal. Not only normal but nothing that I have to believe or act on either. (ie. feelings aren't facts).Being an alchoholic/drug addict makes this especially hard because I have the tendency to think every thought that I have is something that I have to fix or do something about. It comes as a huge relief to just be conscious enough to let it go if I can.
Although this book and starting to practice slowly has been really awesome, it's also been equally overwhelming. Being aware on an everyday basis is hard work and sometimes it's next to impossible. Doing step work is stressful enough, but adding meditation to the mix can be a total mindfuck at times. I know that sorting through the leftover garbage of my past and working with it now on an everyday basis is the only real way that I'll ever be happy and peaceful so it's worth it. Sometimes it just drives me insane and I want to escape. Luckily I've been escaping with more productive things these days like tattoos and nature documentaries.
Speaking of nature documentaries, Jason introduced me to David Attenborough and he's the cutest old British guy ever. Way better than Steve Irwin RIP. We've been watching the mammals doc. on Netflix and it's f'in awesome. Did you know that kangaroos poop out this little worm thing and then it climbs it's way into the pouch to grow!? Incredible! Then after awhile this huge ass fucking kangaroo is all cramped in the pouch. Also that eucalyptus doesn't really give koalas the best nutrition but for some reason it's all they eat so they have to spend like all goddamn day eating it? All they do is eat leaves and sleep. OH AND BE ADORABLE. There's that too.
Jason finished up this sugar skull winged thing on my hip/rib area a couple of days ago. It hurt like a motherfucker. I'm so glad it's done. It looks badass. Here are some pictures of the progress:
Jason Lambert about to work his magic!
stencil
shading
my baby at work.
boy did it hurt but it looks fucking awesome.
The most useful part of this meditation practice is that of noting thoughts. As I sit with the thoughts that come whizzing at me, I softly note or label them. For example if I'm thinking about wanting a cigarette I just think "wanting" and I consiously let that thought go and focus back to my breath. I find that noting thoughts is extremely helpful in allowing me to let go. I feel like the word puts them into a neat little box that I can then throw out of my minds proverbial window.
Another fairly useful tool is being conscious of my thoughts/obsessions/emotions etc etc as being human and normal. Not only normal but nothing that I have to believe or act on either. (ie. feelings aren't facts).Being an alchoholic/drug addict makes this especially hard because I have the tendency to think every thought that I have is something that I have to fix or do something about. It comes as a huge relief to just be conscious enough to let it go if I can.
Although this book and starting to practice slowly has been really awesome, it's also been equally overwhelming. Being aware on an everyday basis is hard work and sometimes it's next to impossible. Doing step work is stressful enough, but adding meditation to the mix can be a total mindfuck at times. I know that sorting through the leftover garbage of my past and working with it now on an everyday basis is the only real way that I'll ever be happy and peaceful so it's worth it. Sometimes it just drives me insane and I want to escape. Luckily I've been escaping with more productive things these days like tattoos and nature documentaries.
Speaking of nature documentaries, Jason introduced me to David Attenborough and he's the cutest old British guy ever. Way better than Steve Irwin RIP. We've been watching the mammals doc. on Netflix and it's f'in awesome. Did you know that kangaroos poop out this little worm thing and then it climbs it's way into the pouch to grow!? Incredible! Then after awhile this huge ass fucking kangaroo is all cramped in the pouch. Also that eucalyptus doesn't really give koalas the best nutrition but for some reason it's all they eat so they have to spend like all goddamn day eating it? All they do is eat leaves and sleep. OH AND BE ADORABLE. There's that too.
Jason finished up this sugar skull winged thing on my hip/rib area a couple of days ago. It hurt like a motherfucker. I'm so glad it's done. It looks badass. Here are some pictures of the progress:
Jason Lambert about to work his magic!
stencil
shading
my baby at work.
boy did it hurt but it looks fucking awesome.
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