ceremony

i watched this joy division documentary last night. it was really beautifully done. it made me realize how much i stopped listening to really emotional music that made me feel a certain way. i guess it's sort of related to how i view life these days, happy joyous, and free. but in a way listening to those songs and sort of understanding the struggles behind the lyrics really made me see the beauty and importance of them. it's such a powerful thing, music. i think when you listen to a band like joy division it takes you to a dark place that everyone has, and that can be scary sometimes. but in a way it's a symbol of triumph, for me anyways. because i see that although that deep rooted somber place that i have, and that i think everyone has, is there but i don't regret it. i don't see it as a current state of mind, it's a place that i've left long ago. and that sound just cuts straight to your fucking heart. no bullshit. just hits you right where it hurts.

i went to a bunch of meetings this weekend, i wasn't going because i was stuck in some fucking sad self pitying mood and all that i wanted to do was lay around eat ice cream and watch tv. i broke out of my sloth trance on friday and went to a meeting and was asked to give a lead at amberson which is one of the biggest meetings in the city. i told my story to about 100 alcoholics and it was nervewracking but good. i wasn't scared really and there is just a certain calm that comes over me when i'm speaking like that in front of everyone. i feel like it's a measurement of my confidence level and i guess i'm a pretty fearless person sometimes. it felt good.

jason and i got started on getting my crap out of my old apartment. we ordered cable because we can afford it and it's cheap now. i've got mixed feelings about cable, but i spend a lot of time at home anyway and we don't really go out and do much in the winter. hopefully it won't be a mistake. :()

cara cable. tattooer?

it's been about a week since i found out that i have to move. i went through some mourning and i cried a lot and i'm accepting the fact that it's time for change even though i didn't prompt it. i've noticed that i've been dealing with it in a really crappy way that's been affecting my mood everyday since. i'm totally lazy, eating really badly, and kind of paralyzed by the thought of doing anything about the situation. the way that i've been dealing with the responsibility of having my own place was an old pattern of living irresponsibly that at one time worked for me before but doesn't work anymore now that i'm sober. for one thing, being a sober person who's trying to live in a sober adult way it's totally counterproductive for me to do what i've been doing, so that causes a lot of stress and anxiety. the problem with all of this is that it's natural for me to avoid responsibility instead of kicking it in the ass and getting shit done for myself so that i don't cause huge problems for myself in the future. i've been slacking off in every aspect of my life this past week and it's not cool. i feel pretty crappy on an everyday basis because of it. my sponsor likes to call these poopy situations AFGO's (another fucking growth opportunity). once i bust through it and do the best that i can, i'll feel a million times better and have learned a good lesson, problem is i've gotta actually do the work to feel better and when i get like this it's really hard to snap out of my self pity and depression and just fucking do it. now i've got "do it" by the Rollins Band running through my head. i think i'll just blast that song while i'm trying to get amped up to move. ugh.

on a lighter note, i finished chris's posada tattoo yesterday. it took forever, but it's finally done and i'm pretty satisfied with it. i only got to do the outline on amanda's back, but i'm getting pretty comfortable with the shader so i think i'll be able to do it fairly quickly. i need to start tattooing more than once a week, because i feel like it takes forever for me to get back into the groove of it after awhile. jason said it'd stick with me once i've been doing it for awhile, but at this point i'm still such a beginner i feel like things don't start flowing for me until i'm almost done. i've got a couple more people lined up with ideas and a bunch more that say they wanna get stuff from me. it's really flattering that people have responded with such trust and encouragement. next i'm going to do a wind up toy robot on this guy that works for starbucks and a rose with a mom banner from sailor jerry's flash for liz. i've been so lucky that people want cool shit, but i know my name and kanji days are comin.

just wanted to mention that i've got pretty much the most amazing boyfriend ever. but he cannot keep a secret because he showed me the frame of the tattoo machine that he's getting me for christmas. it's so beautiful. it's got my name on it and it's so simple and elegant looking. it's so incredibly perfect. i can't fucking wait to use it. it's hard to believe that it'll just be him and i at the shop starting in a little over a month. i can't believe it. sometimes i forget that brian won't be there anymore and that it's just going to be him and i. once we start getting my station and the whole shop in order it'll set in i'm sure, but for now things are just pretty much like they always were and i forget that i'll be doing tattoos for money soon (hopefully).

everytime i think about myself as a tattooer, i get a lot of mixed feelings. in my head it's the most exciting and perfect thing that i can possibly think of to do at this point in my life. and i'm full of gratitude and love for all of my peers and especially jason. mostly because i know that the bar is really high these days and i'm so grateful because i've got really amazing shit to strive to accomplish. i know that when jason and brian started they didn't have that, and it took them a lot longer to get better because they were figuring everything out for themselves. sometimes i feel like i'm cheating and that it's too easy for me because i've got everything pretty much laid out for me to get better more quickly. and i also can't help but think about what other tattooers must think of me because of this. i know that it's none of my business what other people think of me, but i do think about it and it keeps me from really celebrating my small successes sometimes because i feel like it's not completely of my own doing. i know that this will change once i start tattooing without jason's help, but until that happens i'll just have to keep on taking direction and doing the best that i can with the amazing tools that i'm lucky enough to have. i guess i just want to say thank you to jason and brian and all of the amazing tattooers and artists that have worked really hard to make my journey a little easier.

a few days ago i walked into my apartment to grab some shoes because the only reason i've been going there for about the past month is to get something. and my place was all cleaned up with a lot of my stuff in boxes. my landlord is renting my apartment out and i had no idea until i went there the other day. i've been behind on my rent since last year and financially just haven't been able to catch up and it's been a huge source of anxiety for me for a long time. i've also been struggling with the idea of whether or not i want to make the move to live with jason. i've gotta be out of my apartment by december first. i'm not ready for this change mostly because it wasn't prompted by me, but i shouldn't have expected anything less considering i've been dodging my rent for so long.

i feel so bad and irreponsible and like nothing is going to make me feel better, but i know that's not true. i just have to suck it up and be an adult and take care of this. i'm nervous.

bingo

today is cold. i woke up this morning because i was shivering under my heavy comforter. we're going to handmade arcade today to hopefully buy some cool handmade stuff. then i'm tattooing my coworker amanda. i'm a little nervous about this one because it's a lot of long straight lines and i just don't want to fuck it up. i'll post pictures later.

the convention was awesome i sold a few of my paintings and got a couple tattoos. now that it's over i feel like i'm just kind of waiting for the holidays to start and then the real big changes are going to arrive. lots of work remodeling the shop and i think jason and i are going to move in together finally. it just doesn't make sense for us to waste money on two rents especially considering i spend all of my time at his place anyway. we're talking about moving into my apartment until the weather warms up and we can get a two bedroom place that we both like. i'm not settling for anything but exactly what we want because i won't want to move again until we buy a house.

i'm going to chiro tomorrow because my back is totally fucked up and i've been in pain for the past two months or more. i hope it works. i was sort of skeptical of chiros in the past, but i'll try anything now.

i'm working on a new bunch of paintings that revolve around paper doll imagery. i'm pretty excited and the first one turned out pretty well. i'm getting better at fades and stuff. pictures will follow.