ceremony

i watched this joy division documentary last night. it was really beautifully done. it made me realize how much i stopped listening to really emotional music that made me feel a certain way. i guess it's sort of related to how i view life these days, happy joyous, and free. but in a way listening to those songs and sort of understanding the struggles behind the lyrics really made me see the beauty and importance of them. it's such a powerful thing, music. i think when you listen to a band like joy division it takes you to a dark place that everyone has, and that can be scary sometimes. but in a way it's a symbol of triumph, for me anyways. because i see that although that deep rooted somber place that i have, and that i think everyone has, is there but i don't regret it. i don't see it as a current state of mind, it's a place that i've left long ago. and that sound just cuts straight to your fucking heart. no bullshit. just hits you right where it hurts.

i went to a bunch of meetings this weekend, i wasn't going because i was stuck in some fucking sad self pitying mood and all that i wanted to do was lay around eat ice cream and watch tv. i broke out of my sloth trance on friday and went to a meeting and was asked to give a lead at amberson which is one of the biggest meetings in the city. i told my story to about 100 alcoholics and it was nervewracking but good. i wasn't scared really and there is just a certain calm that comes over me when i'm speaking like that in front of everyone. i feel like it's a measurement of my confidence level and i guess i'm a pretty fearless person sometimes. it felt good.

jason and i got started on getting my crap out of my old apartment. we ordered cable because we can afford it and it's cheap now. i've got mixed feelings about cable, but i spend a lot of time at home anyway and we don't really go out and do much in the winter. hopefully it won't be a mistake. :()