christmas is a comin' and it's a comin'

we had a little snow day yesterday. jason's appointment was from west virginia and he couldn't make it, so we didn't go into the shop yesterday. i made pancakes and bacon for us and my brother and his gf julie came over, they live really close by. then we got all bundled up and walked to giant eagle to get some stuff for dinner and for the cookies i was going to bake.

emo shit will try to TRICK YOU!

emotions are so crazy. floating around unwarranted and mostly pretty irrational (well mine are anyways) for us to sort through and make sense of. i used to act on my insane emotions all of the time, in fact i trusted them with a lot of decisions that i made in my life with regard to relationships and how i took care of myself. acting on my emotions got me nowhere but medicated and depressed and going nowhere. i'd love to say that i don't do that anymore, but it's simply not true. i absolutely react on my emotions and make bad decisions based on them. the difference now is that i have an awareness that my emotions are not to always be trusted. what i do differently now is try to wrangle those motherfuckers and let them go without causing too much damage to myself and those around me. that's half the battle in my everyday life these days. but let me tell you, i've got the right support and the right resources now. that is something i'm positive of. and for me not to utilize those resources would be ignorant on my part.
emotional sobriety is one of the biggest challenges in my newly sober life. i've started meditating, being more serious about asking for humble direction from a god of my understanding, and doing a weekly self inventory with a therapist, and keeping journals for all of the rest of that emotional crap that's left over trying to TRICK ME!
BUT a little bird in the form of a big blue book told me that prayer, meditation, and self inventory builds an unshakeable foundation for life. and i believe it. my shit will someday be UNSHAKEABLE. watch the fuck out! :)

brogs are back!

i recently disabled viewing of this blog as per radical suggestion from a trusted friend, but then i thought better of it. mostly because i've read that i am to avoid hysterical advice. i'm not afraid of the internet!

things of note that have changed and that are important to me recently are as follows and then i've gotta go to work:

1. i fuckin' tattoo! it's so weird. i was tattooing this guy tom (who is going to end of sleeved by me if he keeps coming back like he has) and i had a moment where i was just amazed that i was doing a tattoo on some guy that i drew that he was going to pay me for. it just seems like it shouldn't be allowed. that it should be against the law or something.

2. i tattooed at the pgh meeting of the marked. erich foster from rise above tattoo in buffalo new york gave me the sweetest cry baby head in the ditch of my knee. i offered to tattoo him because he wouldn't take any money and he accepted! i was a ball of nerves, but i put a solid tattoo on him even though it was only about the size of a quarter.

3. i've been painting a lot and have been so much more motivated and satisfied with what i've been doing lately. i've been told that painting is like tattooing's little sister and that one helps the other. i've been noticing that i've been growing leaps and bounds with every painting and every tattoo that i do.

4. my schedule at starbucks is finally set and i work three days have one day off totally and tattoo three days. it's absolutely perfect and i couldn't have asked for a better schedule.

got my hair did and it's red. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i think i'm over dying my hair. i'm ok with it now, but i don't think i'll be doing it in the future. i also quit smoking on aug 20th! cold turkey and haven't picked one up no matter what since. unfortunately i've gained 7.4 lbs since then, but i'm back on track and hopefully that won't continue.

UPDATE

i figured i'd update since it's been awhile. i've been keeping a personal writing journal lately and that's been doing me good for awhile. the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for me emotionally. i'm finally off of that awful medication effexor xr. if anyone reading this is thinking of getting on this medication, i'd really think about the long term consequences. it's really hard to get off of this stuff. like i've read online message boards and people can't seem to deal with the awful side effects (including what has been adorably named "brain zaps" EW!) and never get off the medication. i'm talking like years and years on this stuff. thankfully i was weaned over a period of about a year and i think getting through early sobriety and having support from my sponsor and others really helped me through it. there were times when i wanted to cry for no reason and the irritability and agitation was just fucking awful. i couldn't believe anything i was thinking at times and i had to just trust that i wouldn't feel this way forever. it's day 19 without it and i can honestly say that i feel almost completely normal, but that didn't start until about two weeks into it. i truly feel free being almost completely free of any substance to help me deal with my life and smoking is next on the list. it's pretty incredible.

we got a new supervisor at starbucks, janice had to go to another store to help out because they didn't have a manager for awhile. i had been working A TON of hours the couple of weeks that she wasn't there and it sucked. mostly because i couldn't really tattoo that much and that's what i want to do and get better at. but since alicia has been there i've had a lot more time to be at the shop, draw, and tattoo. i'm getting better the more and more i work at it and it seems like all of the things that jason's been telling me that are floating around in my head are coming together more and more every time i do a tattoo. it's a slow process but i'm patient and am lucky enough to have the best teacher anyone could ever have. i recently tattooed a few of the girls that i work with at starbucks, a little coffee cup. it's our little club tattoo. the one barista wendy had never been tattooed, and i definitely see more tattoos in her future. a lot of the girls are getting really into it, which is really cool. i think jason and i have tattooed just about everyone there.

in tattoo news, i got my knee tattooed my krooked ken, jason and i did a mini sailor jerry tattoo on each other for our anniversary, and my traditional leg is slowly filling up. todd noble gave me a tattoo at the new york tattoo convention, and i've got an appointment with jared russell at black star tattoo in august. we're going to the seattle tattoo convention just before that also. lots of summer tattoo plans! i love it.

in much bigger news, black cat tattoos with no longer be at 314 north craig street. we're moving into the most perfect location ever, and we're so so excited about it. it's pretty fucking perfect and it's kind of unbelievable. anyway i'm going to go get a shower and head to work.

self centered realization number 495738952905

i used to feel a certain way when someone i know died. i always thought i should be feeling a certain way, crying, or be depressed. i don't know if i can chalk my feelings now up to being sober or just being older, but i'm much more ok with just letting myself feel however i feel. when jason told me that my aunt carol died yesterday i cried. i was at work and my boss let me go home early. i went home and called some family members, my mom, my stepmother, dad, and brother. i cried a little bit more, but mostly when i heard the sadness in others voices. i've never lost anybody that i spent a lot of time with. my grandfather died last march and now my aunt, who was young and died of liver cancer after a nine year battle with breast cancer. so this time i understand that its my job to comfort those in more pain than myself rather than to be all introspective and critical of my own reaction.

another reason i'm glad i'm sober

the student loan people called me today at work. i was about ready to scream at the lady cause i was having a bad day and no one likes to hear that they owe someone fifteen grand and some change. oh and that they are going to start garnishing my wages. so anyway i took a minute to think and stayed on the phone instead of hanging up (which i totally would have done before) and got all of the info, asked questions, was super polite, and took care of business. yay! and i'm not completely freaking out about it. that's some serious progress if i do say so myself. financial burdens are one of the things that i haven't really tackled yet, so this was a good start. slowly but surely i'll take care of business.

there are so many reasons why my life is awesome these days. i'm getting married to the love of my life, my best friend and the person who believes in me more than anyone in the whole world. i'm tatttooing on a semi regular basis and I LOVE IT, i've got a stable job that gives me health insurance, and i'm finally starting to develop a spiritual life that i'm happy with. not to mention that i'm doing weight watchers with my mom and i lost twenty lbs! i've got a great sponsee who is doing great in the program and i get to see her go thru recovery and all of the positive changes it brings. oh and i've also been going to the denist (dr. cheppa rules) and taking care of some problems that have had me anxious for a good while now. action action action. or as henry rollins says don't think about it, DO IT! totally the motto for 2009. anyway i'm going to go eat some pasta and watch ANTM. xoxox

ps. watch rupaul's drag race. you won't be sorry. nina flowers 4 ever. ttfn