a little bit of everything

so i'm tapering my medication down until i'm completely off of this devil shit effexor xr. under the guidance of my psychiatrist i've gone from 300mgs to 37.5mgs in about five months. i've gotta say that this shift has been by far the most rough. effexor is notoriously hard to wean from with a whole slew of awful side effects that include nightmares, blurred vision, wild mood swings, and nausea. all of which i've experienced in various combinations over the past week. it's gotten so bad at times that i thought that maybe my brain would never be the same or that i was living in some alternate reality. definitely not a good time. however it's done nothing but prove to me that this shit is really not for me anymore and definitely not something i ever want to be a part of my life again. if anything it's given me a reason to reflect on just how strong my ability to deal with life and my brain in reality is these days. in a lot of ways it reminds me of my first few months of sobriety when i was totally nuts. my brain was searching for whatever it could to abuse and escape like cigarettes, coffee, and food for example. when i'm feeling especially weird or crappy i just remember that i'm not my thoughts or feelings and that the chemical imbalance is just causing a crazy reaction that i can't really trust right now. it's sort of hard since i've just started to be able to trust myself and know my emotions a little better, but i'm sure that this is the right thing to do at this point in my life. next come the cigarettes, but you know, one thing at a time.

i did a tattoo on wednesday. some blue whales on chris kibler's gf sam. it was taken from a woodcut print from tugboat printshop. it turned out well, but i was really tired and irritable from working early so i wasn't in the best frame of mind. i was a little afraid that i wouldn't be able to make it look good after some shoddy linework, but i did my best and it turned out solid and clean. i feel like i'm getting way better at shading and solid color, but linework is going to take a long time to perfect. tattooing is not easy that's for sure, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and practice. i'm still having fun and just as pumped about doing it as i was before which is all i can really ask for.

i'm getting pretty frustrated at starbucks recently. they've cut some people's hours and our coverage for shifts is less than satisfactory. this means more work in less time and a lot more stress. i used to really enjoy it there, but it's just annoying now. it doesn't help that i'm going to be tattooing soon and i'd much rather be working on that than making fucking lattes but whatever. it's where i'm at right now and i've gotta build up. i can't just expect success to fall into my lap right away. it's just contrary to how my brain works. i want all the good stuff and benefits now, with no work. unfortunately that's just how it goes. at any rate i'm super grateful for my job and the opportunities i've been given recently. i've just gotta keep showing up for my life everyday and the rest will fall into place.

i'm really excited for christmas this year. i bought some awesome gifts and my relationships are just so much better than ever before. i feel like i have the opportunity to really be present this year and that's the best thing ever. being proud of yourself and happy with your life is one of the best gifts that anyone could ever get and i can proudly say that those things are a part of my life. i guess i'm just generally grateful for everything i've got these days. especially cable. twin peaks everyday. chiller channel rules.

merry christmas yinz.

i'm all moved in

i moved in with jason over the weekend and it was pretty much the easiest move i've ever done. i spent basically a day getting everything i wanted out of my place and after work jason and brian came and we loaded the truck up a couple times. when we got the second load ready, jason's dad and brother kevin were here and we knocked out the second load in about ten minutes. it was awesome and fast and best of all it's done and i don't have to worry about it anymore.

we got cable on sunday and i hate to say it but it's pretty awesome. the chiller channel rocks my world. they show twin peaks and tales from the darkside. i can catch up on all of the trashy tv series that i watch now and HELLO LIFETIME MOVIE CHANNEL! so awesome. i was off today and rearranged a bunch of stuff. it's starting to look really nice and homey in here. so far living together with all my stuff is way better than living together with a messy apartment with most of my crap and having to pay like 500 a month for it. now i can get jason that xbox 360 i've been wanting i mean he's been wanting. GUITAR HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah i'm really excited about the cute little drawing area that we've got. all of my books and shit are right there and it's what i've always wanted. an art space all my own. i guess i get another one next month when my station at the shop is ready. i'm really loving my life these days.

i'm going to be doing a tattoo on jason's sister in law amber soon. it will be the first custom tattoo i ever do and i'm so fucking pumped. mostly because she wanted something kind of difficult to imagine as a tattoo (for me anyways). and i made it look pretty good and definitely tattooable. jason thinks i should wait to do a couple more color tattoos before i tackle skin tone and all of that, so i'm trying to set up a couple of people for the next couple of weeks before i do ambers. i'll be sure to post pictures. i finished amanda's back last week. hopefully i'll get a nice photo of it all healed up. i took a kind of glarey picture of it with my phone that i suppose i'll post here just for shits and giggles, but it's not great.

we're watching anthony bourdain and eating mad mex so i'm going to cut this short. talk to yinz laterz!

ceremony

i watched this joy division documentary last night. it was really beautifully done. it made me realize how much i stopped listening to really emotional music that made me feel a certain way. i guess it's sort of related to how i view life these days, happy joyous, and free. but in a way listening to those songs and sort of understanding the struggles behind the lyrics really made me see the beauty and importance of them. it's such a powerful thing, music. i think when you listen to a band like joy division it takes you to a dark place that everyone has, and that can be scary sometimes. but in a way it's a symbol of triumph, for me anyways. because i see that although that deep rooted somber place that i have, and that i think everyone has, is there but i don't regret it. i don't see it as a current state of mind, it's a place that i've left long ago. and that sound just cuts straight to your fucking heart. no bullshit. just hits you right where it hurts.

i went to a bunch of meetings this weekend, i wasn't going because i was stuck in some fucking sad self pitying mood and all that i wanted to do was lay around eat ice cream and watch tv. i broke out of my sloth trance on friday and went to a meeting and was asked to give a lead at amberson which is one of the biggest meetings in the city. i told my story to about 100 alcoholics and it was nervewracking but good. i wasn't scared really and there is just a certain calm that comes over me when i'm speaking like that in front of everyone. i feel like it's a measurement of my confidence level and i guess i'm a pretty fearless person sometimes. it felt good.

jason and i got started on getting my crap out of my old apartment. we ordered cable because we can afford it and it's cheap now. i've got mixed feelings about cable, but i spend a lot of time at home anyway and we don't really go out and do much in the winter. hopefully it won't be a mistake. :()

cara cable. tattooer?

it's been about a week since i found out that i have to move. i went through some mourning and i cried a lot and i'm accepting the fact that it's time for change even though i didn't prompt it. i've noticed that i've been dealing with it in a really crappy way that's been affecting my mood everyday since. i'm totally lazy, eating really badly, and kind of paralyzed by the thought of doing anything about the situation. the way that i've been dealing with the responsibility of having my own place was an old pattern of living irresponsibly that at one time worked for me before but doesn't work anymore now that i'm sober. for one thing, being a sober person who's trying to live in a sober adult way it's totally counterproductive for me to do what i've been doing, so that causes a lot of stress and anxiety. the problem with all of this is that it's natural for me to avoid responsibility instead of kicking it in the ass and getting shit done for myself so that i don't cause huge problems for myself in the future. i've been slacking off in every aspect of my life this past week and it's not cool. i feel pretty crappy on an everyday basis because of it. my sponsor likes to call these poopy situations AFGO's (another fucking growth opportunity). once i bust through it and do the best that i can, i'll feel a million times better and have learned a good lesson, problem is i've gotta actually do the work to feel better and when i get like this it's really hard to snap out of my self pity and depression and just fucking do it. now i've got "do it" by the Rollins Band running through my head. i think i'll just blast that song while i'm trying to get amped up to move. ugh.

on a lighter note, i finished chris's posada tattoo yesterday. it took forever, but it's finally done and i'm pretty satisfied with it. i only got to do the outline on amanda's back, but i'm getting pretty comfortable with the shader so i think i'll be able to do it fairly quickly. i need to start tattooing more than once a week, because i feel like it takes forever for me to get back into the groove of it after awhile. jason said it'd stick with me once i've been doing it for awhile, but at this point i'm still such a beginner i feel like things don't start flowing for me until i'm almost done. i've got a couple more people lined up with ideas and a bunch more that say they wanna get stuff from me. it's really flattering that people have responded with such trust and encouragement. next i'm going to do a wind up toy robot on this guy that works for starbucks and a rose with a mom banner from sailor jerry's flash for liz. i've been so lucky that people want cool shit, but i know my name and kanji days are comin.

just wanted to mention that i've got pretty much the most amazing boyfriend ever. but he cannot keep a secret because he showed me the frame of the tattoo machine that he's getting me for christmas. it's so beautiful. it's got my name on it and it's so simple and elegant looking. it's so incredibly perfect. i can't fucking wait to use it. it's hard to believe that it'll just be him and i at the shop starting in a little over a month. i can't believe it. sometimes i forget that brian won't be there anymore and that it's just going to be him and i. once we start getting my station and the whole shop in order it'll set in i'm sure, but for now things are just pretty much like they always were and i forget that i'll be doing tattoos for money soon (hopefully).

everytime i think about myself as a tattooer, i get a lot of mixed feelings. in my head it's the most exciting and perfect thing that i can possibly think of to do at this point in my life. and i'm full of gratitude and love for all of my peers and especially jason. mostly because i know that the bar is really high these days and i'm so grateful because i've got really amazing shit to strive to accomplish. i know that when jason and brian started they didn't have that, and it took them a lot longer to get better because they were figuring everything out for themselves. sometimes i feel like i'm cheating and that it's too easy for me because i've got everything pretty much laid out for me to get better more quickly. and i also can't help but think about what other tattooers must think of me because of this. i know that it's none of my business what other people think of me, but i do think about it and it keeps me from really celebrating my small successes sometimes because i feel like it's not completely of my own doing. i know that this will change once i start tattooing without jason's help, but until that happens i'll just have to keep on taking direction and doing the best that i can with the amazing tools that i'm lucky enough to have. i guess i just want to say thank you to jason and brian and all of the amazing tattooers and artists that have worked really hard to make my journey a little easier.

a few days ago i walked into my apartment to grab some shoes because the only reason i've been going there for about the past month is to get something. and my place was all cleaned up with a lot of my stuff in boxes. my landlord is renting my apartment out and i had no idea until i went there the other day. i've been behind on my rent since last year and financially just haven't been able to catch up and it's been a huge source of anxiety for me for a long time. i've also been struggling with the idea of whether or not i want to make the move to live with jason. i've gotta be out of my apartment by december first. i'm not ready for this change mostly because it wasn't prompted by me, but i shouldn't have expected anything less considering i've been dodging my rent for so long.

i feel so bad and irreponsible and like nothing is going to make me feel better, but i know that's not true. i just have to suck it up and be an adult and take care of this. i'm nervous.

bingo

today is cold. i woke up this morning because i was shivering under my heavy comforter. we're going to handmade arcade today to hopefully buy some cool handmade stuff. then i'm tattooing my coworker amanda. i'm a little nervous about this one because it's a lot of long straight lines and i just don't want to fuck it up. i'll post pictures later.

the convention was awesome i sold a few of my paintings and got a couple tattoos. now that it's over i feel like i'm just kind of waiting for the holidays to start and then the real big changes are going to arrive. lots of work remodeling the shop and i think jason and i are going to move in together finally. it just doesn't make sense for us to waste money on two rents especially considering i spend all of my time at his place anyway. we're talking about moving into my apartment until the weather warms up and we can get a two bedroom place that we both like. i'm not settling for anything but exactly what we want because i won't want to move again until we buy a house.

i'm going to chiro tomorrow because my back is totally fucked up and i've been in pain for the past two months or more. i hope it works. i was sort of skeptical of chiros in the past, but i'll try anything now.

i'm working on a new bunch of paintings that revolve around paper doll imagery. i'm pretty excited and the first one turned out pretty well. i'm getting better at fades and stuff. pictures will follow.

turd cuts

my mom was admitted to the hospital on tuesday. she was having chest pains and after some testing they ruled out anything cardiac, but determined that it was acid reflux and some sleep apnea. basically all because of her obesity. it scares me because i believe that my mom uses food the same way that addicts use drugs or alcohol. my mom isn't an alcoholic or drug addict, but i definitely think she's got a problem with using food as a drug. as far as this stuff is concerned i can do nothing but be an example of how recovery can change your life. that's pretty hard when it's your mom.

on a lighter note, the convention is this weekend and i'm really excited. jason is getting all of his stuff together, and i think that we may be having dinner with ken and mike from black anchor tonight. i've got about 13 paintings to sell and we're going to be passing out these cute little pamphlets that jason made explaining the transition from eye candy to black cat. we took a look at the artist list last night and i've got my eye on jesse strother to tattoo me if i can grab some time with him. he's badass!

i was supposed to work today but meadow covered my shift. i'm finally going to go up to my apartment after about two weeks of ignoring that place. i've gotta pay my rent as much as i don't want to, and get a few things squared away. possibly start actually staying up there. ugh. i've just gotta do it!

i worked my ass off at work yesterday. i've been getting really tired of that place lately. i know this because i've been letting mean customers get to me. mostly i can ignore them or just be nice and forget about it, but occasionally i let them sneak in.

anyway i've gotta go get my day started. TTFN!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes slowly

i done did another tattoo yesterday. it was on one of my very best friends tim cannon. it was so much fun and i didn't freak out nearly as much as i did before. it took less time than i thought, a mere two hours, and everytime i tattoo it gets a tiny bit easier than before. i had such a great time.

yesterday was pretty much awesome all around. my brother brought us starbucks and we all hung out for a bit. i cleaned up the apartment and did a little skull painting. tim came over and we headed to the shop where i convinced him to let me do something a little easier and more tattooable than what he wanted (about three small paragraphs of lettering scrolling around his arm. ugh) and i had the best fun doing it. i chaired the meeting and we came back home and ate village white pizza (SO DELICIOUS). tim, jason, and i had a pretty awesome convo about buddhism and i read and went to sleep. my life now is so gratifying and awesome. my relationships with people just continue to get more and more dynamic and meaningful and i'm getting used to the idea of being a respected person.

learning how to tattoo has been one of the best experiences of my life so far, and i couldn't have done it without getting sober first. i've learned to accept that doing a little bit of something at a time gradually will eventually leave you with something significant to look at, if only you work at it bit by bit. this is completely contrary to the way that my brain is used to thinking, so it takes some time to not want to expect immediate results or get an immediate solution, which using drugs and alcohol so conveniently provided. but it works and i'm feeling so awesome about the small amount of progress that i've made so far. it gives me hope and motivation to keep doing what i'm doing.

it's a new day. yay!

i didn't go to that party last night. i still felt all wonky from this weird headache i've been having and being around a bunch of drunk people in the cold in a halloween costume just didn't seem appealing. so instead jason, brent, and i made toll house cookies and ate them with ice cream while watching transamerican love story on netflix. if you don't know what that is, it's a reality show featuring a mtf transsexual who is looking for love on a reality show. it was so bizarre and we had fun making our own commentary. we watched the first and last episodes only because that's all we could stand. brent went home and while jason played diablo II i watched the amazing ladies and gentlemen the fabulous stains. this movie if you don't know, was just released on dvd and was made in 1981, the year mtv came out. not only does it really show candidly the way that the media shapes fame, it features three girls who form a punk rock band and who in the end get the fame that they deserve, by themselves and without the help of some guy that one of them is romantically involved in. it was so awesome to see that, plus diane lane and laura dern are super young and punk rock. it's really sad how much we've backslided over the past twenty years. a movie like this would never be made today.

i've been sleeping so well lately, and getting up around nine everyday which is unprecedented for me. i think it's cutting off caffeine in the afternoon and evening. hopefully my headaches won't persist. i'm pretty certain that it was caffeine withdrawal that was causing them. i did a symptom checker on webmd.

i'm tatttooing my good friend tim today. he's getting some lettering on his arm. i'm excited. i'll let yinz know how it turns out.

fat

i feel really funny today. i don't know if it's the cut down in caffeine, but i'm depressed and my head feels all fuzzy. i've been so down on myself lately, and i've not even been off my diet for a month. today was the first day in awhile that i could wear clothes that aren't clothes to go to work in and i got so upset at my body. i hate feeling like this, i feel so huge and unattractive. ugh i just had to say it. i was at the shop and i just had to leave, nothing was going to make me feel better. i'm back to weight watchers even though i just want to eat everything in the world.

weekend fun!

i had the worst headache in the world yesterday. it lasted approximately 6 hours. nothing seemed to help it. finally at about 11 it died down after i took three asprin. it's gone this morning thank goodness. we watched one of my favorite documentaries last night the legend of leigh bowery. it's really great. check it out. i'm off for the next three days! it's so exciting. i don't even know what i'm going to do with myself. we were going to see the screening of kevin smith's new movie with a q and a with him tonight at the oaks, but it's $50 to get in. i love kevin smith but i can't afford that. i think it's sort of ridiculous that it costs that much anyway. i think we're going to go to the famous evaline halloween party tonight. i posted the flyer above. it's within walking distance and the theme is pretty cool. it's always a huge party and i think it will be fun. jason is going to be an old timey tattooer with suspenders and a mustache and i'm going to be the tattooed lady i think.

oh yeah and i forgot to give a shout out to my awesome boyfriend for surprising me with these:



he's totally the best.

Black Cat Tattoos January 2009

this week has been pretty boring. go to work, go home take a nap, go to a meeting, and then eat dinner and go to sleep. i've been eating a lot of junky food lately and not really taking care of myself. i get like that when i've got a lot of other stuff going on and especially when i'm on my period. i've been feeling really guilty about it, which is completely ridiculous because all i really need to do is just stop doing it and try a little everyday. i've been cutting out caffeine for the past three days because it was getting really ridiculous the amount of espresso and coffee i drink on an everyday basis. it was starting to really make me feel awful. this is the second time i've done this and i guess that's what happens when an alchoholic works at starbucks. i've noticed that i've been sleeping a lot better. i guess that makes sense. it's like i don't even let my body get a chance to be tired i just pump it up with coffee the first chance i get. it's just a way for me not to feel an uncomfortable feeling, which is totally an alcoholic way to be. sometimes i'm powerless over caffeine and food. i'm working on it.



jason made our shop's website last night. it's really nice. we were talking about our ideas for making it look better and what cosmetic changes we're going to make and i'm getting really excited about it. i'm so pumped to have my own section on the website for my tattoos and paintings. it's super motivating and i'm so excited!!! he made one of the logos a few nights ago and has been playing around with different ones too. it's so cool to see him so into it, i really think it's going to be a great thing for him. starting in january i'll be tattooing. it's really pretty unreal that it's happening so quickly, but the way it all came about seems right. it's funny how things change when you actually show up for your life everyday and work at stuff a little bit at at time. i used to just be paralyzed by fear of doing the most mundane things and wonder if i'd ever do anything with myself besides get myself into dramatic situations and obsess over them for months at a time. i can't tell you how amazing it feels to be free from that. i really feel like i can do anything and the positive and energetic person that i've always been inside is finally coming out. it feels pretty fucking great.

our whole outlook and attitude upon life will change

i wanted to write a few quick words before i head out to the shop, just because the past couple of days have been pretty noteworthy. on sunday i tattooed that posada print i posted a week or so ago on my friend/coworker chris. it took about three hours, i outlined it and calligraphied the outside outline. it's not done yet, i still have to shade it, but it was probably the most fun i've had all year. i felt like everything else just disappeared and it was just me and that tattoo. it was so fucking awesome. it didn't hurt that it turned out way better than i thought it was going to either. jason was impressed and that's all i need to know that i did a good job. i set up the home group and chaired the meeting and that was that. a great day overall.
yesterday we had our staff meeting. i had a one on one meeting with my supervisor and was certified as a shift supervisor. she told me that i was doing a great job and for the first time ever no one had anything bad to say about my work. then she asked me how i felt about getting another promotion and that the district manager was really excited about me and thinks i'd do a great job in the company. i honestly can't tell you how vastly different this is than any other meeting i've ever had with a boss. i got really emotional because i'm just not used to being a good employee for one thing, and getting promoted once was kind of a shock. it felt so awesome and i owe it all to being sober and showing up for my life. jason and i had sushi and walked around shadyside and had an amazing day. i got new glasses that will be done on friday. here's a picture:
i love them and they are a bit classier and less hipster jokey like all my other frames. anyway things are great and i'm loving life right now. yay!!!

working for the weekend

another long shift at work. i'm fuckin beat. i have to open the store for the next four days. i'm on day three on a nine day stretch and six of the nine are opens, which means i'll be getting up at 430am for the next four days. i'm pretty exhausted. i can't do chris's tattoo today because jason is tattooing zane and i'm chairing sacred heart so i have to be there around 730 to set up and it's just not enough time. not to mention how tired i am. ugh. i hate to complain, because life is so good right now. i feel like what i'm doing is exactly right for me at this stage in my life and that feels so fucking great lemme tell you. i did the 8th step yesterday with my sponsor. i made a list of all people i had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. i basically just have to make an effort to be selflessly involved in people's lives that i've hurt in the past, mostly my family. i was suprised at how easy it was, but then again my drinking career didn't last as long as others have. speaking of which, james is drinking again and thommy is moving back home to connecticut. i had a sort of dramatic and potentially harmful relationship with james a few months back and i'm glad i cut it out because he's really dangerous to my sobriety, he was then and he definitely is now. it was such a lesson though, my interaction with him. it helped to identify something really pertinent to making a huge change in old patterns. it's really unbelievable how much i've grown and am continuing to learn about myself through sobriety. the promise that "we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us" is really coming true for me lately. juggling my job and painting and drawing and having tattoos set up and going to meetings, doing step work, working at the shop, etc etc., basically all of the things that i do now would have totally overwhelmed me to the point of saying "fuck this shit" a year or so ago. but for some reason doing a little bit at a time and having help just makes it so much easier and over time, i just keep gaining more and more perspective and motivation, all the while being happy and free. it's pretty incredible. i used to be so depressed and anxious all of the time. not to say i don't have bad days, but they are way fewer and far between than they used to be. i would've been overwhelmed by the very act of writing this blog a few years ago, then i would've gotten down on myself for not writing anymore and the vicious cycle of self loathing would begin. now it's easier to just do it. i'm go grateful and fortunate to have understood enough a year or so ago that i had to be willing to just listen to someone else for a change. i owe my life to that. and at the very least i owe my happiness to that.

i want these. bad.

so i have an ipod and so far it's been through about three different sets of itunes and everytime i've managed to save all of my music files, until now. i'm about to dump it all and re-start my library because frankly i just don't care enough to try to save them. it's impossible to save what's on there without it being a total pain in the ass, and to be honest i'm kind of excited to start all over with what i've got now. the only thing that i'm going to miss on it is all of the smiths and cure stuff i have. just about everything ever recorded, but oh well. i buy music so much more often now than i ever have before and i must say that i'm enjoying it much much more than just stealing it. i used to get so overwhelmed by the possibility of being able to download anything i wanted. for some reason it's much more satisfying to try to find it at the store. it may sound crazy, but i like going to record stores and when we were in seattle and found a couple of records that i was really searching for, it was so awesome and i realized how much i missed that whole experience. so here's to making things harder on myself just for the sake of fun. yay!

jason and i are both off today and we're going to draw and paint together. i'm making little paintings to go into these tiny little frames that i bought at the thrift store. hopefully i get them done in time to sell them at the convention. i'm pretty excited about the convention this year. it's always a good time and a lot of my starbucks girls are coming. they are all a bit more educated about tattoos now which i'm really proud of. i've got two appointments lined up for the next two sundays. i'm really excited and nervous a little. i don't really get nervous about it until i'm about to go to sleep and i think about it a lot. but today i'm going to draw the images a bunch and paint and hopefully get my hands in tip top shape. this apprentice thing is going pretty slowly, but i'm glad. i feel like it's moving at a comfortable pace. i'm way more comfortable with a machine in my hand now than i was a few months ago. cleaning up the station after jason is done tattooing has been a big help just getting used to being in the drivers seat. it's not the same as actually tattooing but it's definitely helpful. these next couple of tattoos are really going to be good practice and i'm super excited to do them. i'm pretty confident that i'll do a great job. yay!

spoiler alert

i worked a long one today. 9 hours from five in the morning until two in the afternoon. i was so beat when i was done. my back was so stiff and inflamed. i took a couple tylenol and hit the sack for a couple of hours. i've been reading the last book in the aforementioned teen vampire story. very steamy, very provocative, and bella swan is very...pregnant? with a vampire baby. you should hear her talking about this kid, she wants to keep her baby and i don't think it's going to happen. oh yeah and she married that edward guy because she wants to be his forever. give me a break. i really don't like where this is heading, but it is pretty provocative stuff, so of course i'm going to continue to read it. i know it's kind of lame for me to sit here and trash it while i'm still reading the damn thing, but this is my blog, if you don't like it, tough.

so anyway i took a shower and now i'm feeling better. drinking some coffee and waiting for my brother to come over so we can talk some shit and go to my home group. tonight is chip night and i get my one year coin and a round of applause from the other home group members. it's pretty interested to hear the opinions of people who basically saw the light come back into your eyes after coming in all haggard and drunk and emotionally beaten. it feels good. i feel good.

i think i'm going to make a vegetarian mexican lasagne of sorts this evening. i'm going to experiment and hope that it comes out ok. i cleaned my kitchen and organized it yesterday. i went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of shit at trader joes so i feel like a real person. i've been avoiding my apartment lately because it's been such a wreck and i've been staying at jason's a lot lately. i've been working at being self supporting and paying my own rent, keeping up with my place, and not depending on him for a lot these past couple of months. mostly because it's been a pattern of mine in the past to depend on my boyfriend for certain things that i should be doing for myself, and i like my boyfriend, so i'm trying to do the right thing to break those patterns for once. one of those things includes not moving in with him right away. i'm pretty set on not moving in with him until we get married actually. it sounds really traditional and conservative i know, but for one thing i don't want to mess this up and statistically marriages last longer when the couple doesn't live together first. i need to be solid in my ability to take care of myself before i can move to that step. i'm trying the best i can to do this right. things are going pretty well so far.

if there's one important lesson that i've learned over the past year it's that things in life don't happen overnight, that things that are the most important to your happiness take time, and it's not on your watch. life has a funny way of taking a long time to get good, but if i keep on top of it, it's more than i can ever imagine.

WHOO TATTOO

i love margaret cho. it just makes sense that she's getting tattooed a bunch because i think she understands the way that tattoos make a lady feel about her body. i'm going on pure assumption here, but going on her past body issues and her comments on burlesque that i've read recently as well as her show "beautiful" which is totally centered around body acceptance i can really relate to her getting tattooed a lot. she has always been a big hero of mine. when i was younger and trying to make sense of how i felt about feminism, she really made a lot of sense to me. she was one of the first feminists that made me feel really empowered, and it makes me really happy that she's in the spotlight now, and also that her tattoos are getting a lot of attention with her new show and all.

i talk to a lot of people about tattoos. when you've got a lot people want to talk to you and it can't really be avoided. one of the compliments that i'm lucky enough to get about my tattoos are that they suit me very well. i think that this is a matter of just having the privledge of getting tattooed by awesome artists who know that a tattoo should look like it's always been there. i think that this is possible for every person who wants a tattoo, not just me. personally i think tattoos "suit" everyone who wants them and i want people who have them to get the best work possible. having a tattoo that moves with your body and that is a compliment to it's shape is one of the biggest reasons i get tattooed. it's amazing to be able to look at a part of yourself accented by lines and beautiful color. i feel that it really reinvented the way that i feel about my body specifically my legs which i was always a little self conscious of before. some may think that it's hiding behind something, but if i feel better about my body when i look in the mirror because it's got beautiful tattoos on it, then whatever. i'd like to think that ms.cho thinks similarly. the more well done tattoos are in the spotlight, the better i feel and hopefully it will get people to search a little harder for a better tattoo artist.

speaking of tattoos, i've got my next couple planned out and it's really cool stuff. my friend chris is getting a posada day of the dead type thing and i'm so so excited to do it.

we watched gus van sant's new movie paranoid park last night. i kind of hated it. the music and filming were very geared toward inducing a feeling which is guess some people would call pretty genius, i mean i got it and there were definitely parts that i thought were really beautiful, but overall i felt that it didn't have a lot to go on besides that feeling of teenage hopelessness and confusion. i guess it just isn't my artsy bag. oh well. we also watched chinatown which i really liked. now there's a movie with substance!

i finished the third book in stephenie meyer's emotionally drawn out teen vampire saga last night also. boy did that book piss me off! i read the first two with such fervor that i could hardly wait to start the third. wow was it disappointing. and HELLO! BELLA SWAN can you get your head out of your ass and maybe think for yourself for once! sheesh. what kind of message are we sending to teenagers here stephenie meyer?! given i haven't read the final book yet, so maybe she'll come to her senses and stop depending on those dudes for her identity, but c'mon! not to mention that it was entirely too long. 600 plus pages of trite-ass filler. of course i'm going to read the last book, just because i've gotta know what happens, but i'm not falling for this teenage love story bullshit. i'm hoping bella tells them both to hit the road. i'll let you guys know when i'm finished.

we stood at the turning point with complete abandon

getting sober is so much more than just abstaining from using drugs and alcohol. they call it a complete psychic change. i've heard other people say "it's easy, the only thing you have to do is change everything." being an alcoholic doesn't just mean that i drank funny and couldn't do it anymore, it means that ever since i started using substances (and i use that term broadly because it can mean anything that i'm "using" to escape: sex, people, sleep, food) to escape reality, i began to think and behave funny too.
i'm a little over a year sober and have done 7 of the 12 steps that the progams of alcoholics anonymous suggests of me. the steps are designed to basically teach you three things: trust a god of your understanding, clean house (meaning taking personal inventories of the harm you have done others and making the proper amends), and helping others. the 12th step says "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. doing the steps is a spiritual awakening, working this program is a complete psychic change. lately i've been noticing ways in which my brain automatically reaches for the easiest escape or most instantly gratifying behavior that it can grasp. the trouble with being like i am and also why going to meetings and keeping alcoholic friends is important, is because along with this tendency to grasp for the easy things, i also have an incredibly short memory for trouble that these behaviors have caused me in the past. meaning that if i didn't have a network of sober alcholics or a daily reminder of my condition, that it makes it much much easier for me to just do these things without even thinking about the harm that i'm causing myself of the people who love me the most. in aa we learn from each other the ways in which these things can be avoided. we look out for each other and give each other a hard dose of reality when we see each other fucking up. i'm very fortunate that i've got a sponsor that is one of the best at doing this sort of thing. but the hard thing about all of it is that i'm just at the beginning, and that uneven emotional rollercoaster still seems appealing. being sober doesn't just mean not using drugs or alchohol, it means living a sober life, which to some people seems pretty boring, especially for a newly sober alcoholic. it means paying your bills, having a mortgage, having a steady job, having children that are provided for in every way, it means going to bed at a reasonable hour, not eating too much, caring about your health. all of these things seem so boring to a crazy ex party girl like me. but sometimes, when i force my brain out of norm and i do this stuff, other really amazing things start to happen. things that i wouldn't have ever expected and that are beyond anything that i could ever imagine. things like being peaceful and content and getting a promotion when i was only ever fired, the respect of my family and friends. its then that you realize that the real gifts of sobriety aren't on your terms. they aren't in your realm of good stuff. that's the gift of sobriety. that's my complete psychic change thus far, because i would have never ever in a million years have listed those things as being better than getting what i thought i wanted. it's just the weird way that surrender works. or should i say the weird way that god works. i've got a concept of that now, and i feel really fortunate.

what the fuck is the internet!?

jason and i are back from seattle. it was an awesome trip. seattle is a really beautiful city, very easy to get around, and the food is great. i ended up getting a really amazing tattoo from hannah aitchinson. i really couldn't believe that it happened but it did. i feel really honored to have been tattooed by her not just because she's booked years in advance, but because she only tattooed friends who already had work from her at the convention. i felt very fortunate. she was a very positive and encouraging person. we talked a lot about tattoos but about life stuff as well. i really enjoyed the whole experience. definitely a highlight of my year.
i had so much fun aside from the tattoo also. drank a lot of great coffee, ate indian, thai, mexican and even greasy diner food while we were there. i went to an aa meeting which was really cool, and saw the sights. we went to the aquarium and pike place and shopped our little butts off. seattle is really a lot of fun.
back in pittsburgh things are the same. i've got a couple new friends in my life that have been keeping me busy. they are both working artists and do a lot of public art and designing for events sponsored by the sprout fund. it's interesting to see how other artists get their inspiration and we've been having a really good time. we've been going to the movies a lot lately. went to see hitchcock's strangers on a train and dario argento's new movie mother of tears recently. i also saw stepbrothers which was amazingly hilarious. i'm helping them to construct their latest event hothouse that starts in a week in a half. good times.
i'm really looking forward to fall. i love fall fashion!!! tights and boots and jackets, so exciting. i'm thinking that it's really all about the boots, so i've got to start looking so i can build from them. i'm thinking something sort of victorian inspired, brown leather, mid calf. i've got them in my head, now the problem is finding them. keep your fingers crossed!
life/sobriety stuff has been good. on saturday it'll be 11 months, and on sept. 16th, 1 year. it's totally crazy that it's been a year already, but i can honestly say it's been the most interesting and fruitful year of my life thus far. i'm painting and drawing on a regular basis, done a couple tattoos, travelled a bit and haven't killed anyone or myself! it's been a good year.

friends in low places

i just woke up about an hour ago. i slept like a rock all night. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but i must have needed it. i woke up feeling oddly guilty and anxious. for nothing really all that bad, mostly self centered fears that have absolutely no bearing in reality. then i opened myspace to check my account, and saw that i had a message from a really dear friend of mine's boyfriend from la, asking me to call him asap. let me preface this by saying that this friend was involved in the program and had just recently moved to la to pursue her "acting" career if you catch my drift. anyway apparently she's now in the hospital after a weekful of binge drinking and pill use and not being able to be sober enough to get herself on the plane. she had almost a year and a half sober. i called her mom to try to get to see her but apparently she had asked her if she was ready to see anyone in her support system and she said no. obviously she's not ready, but i can't help but feel that her parents are shielding her from what will save their little girl. not that we can save her, but we're certainly versed in dealing with addiction and can show that we're there for her no matter what. the only thing i can do at this point is pray for her. it's scary.

fun!

jason and i ate taco bell in bed while watching anthony bourdain's no reservations. that's what i call a saturday night!

in a few days i'll be on my way to amishville pa to visit two of my favorite people in the world, erica aka artfisch and josh aka poop monster. from there we'll be making our way to denton maryland to guest spot at black anchor tattoo and go to rehobeth beach! i'm so excited! all my tatties are healed and i'm ready to frolick in the salt water like a little dolphin! i'm getting tattooed by ken on friday, which is always a treat because he's a doll and one of the best traditional tattooers around.

ALSO HANNAH ATCHINSON IS GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw this i almost died from excitement. i just e mailed her, to see if she's booked. if i get tattooed by her i'll be so happy. she's on my top five list for sure.

jason and i are both off today and we're going to have lunch and do fun stuff. just thought i'd write a little clog. bye!

body issues and the like

I just got home from work. It was a grueling 5:15am to 1 shift. I made sure I went to sleep before 11 last night, and I'm really glad that I did. I'm not ready to die from exhaustion right now, which is nice.
I'm almost finished with Buddhism and the 12 Steps. The last chapter that I read kind of changed the way that I think about God. He talks about the Our Father and people's problem with it in AA meetings. I've struggled with this too because that prayer doesn't really mean anything to me. He goes through it line by line and interprets it in his own Buddhist way and I must say that it made me think a little differently about it. He also touches on the problem a lot of people have with praying "to" something when they don't really believe in some magical being in the sky that will somehow take care of their prayers. And without getting too morally superior or intellectual about it, he explained that when he prays, he does so to the divine that is within him and within us all. This idea of having the divine within was a little tricky to me at first, but after reading and practicing a little more I realized that it's sort of like the divine energy of the entire universe that is inside of every living thing. Humans experience it (or don't) when we can be entirely present in the moment, outside of our mindfulness even. I suppose this is possible. According to this guy it is, but it's definitely a place in which everything is the same... I think. I've still got some research to do on this one.

The topic at the meeting last night was acceptance. It was made me think about my acceptance of life on an everyday basis, but especially self acceptance, which led to body acceptance. I've been trying to lose weight on and off for the past ten years and it's only been recently that I think I've tried to stop looking at my relationship with food as something to abuse or neglect and just listen to my body and feed it when it needs to be fed. This is much harder than it seems for someone like me. When I'm watching what I'm eating, it lasts for maybe three months and then I totally binge for a few weeks. Then I go back to watching, so on and so forth. I don't hate my body, and I've come a long way with accepting it. But I feel now that I've stopped using it attract attention and essentially use it as a substance, I'm much easier on myself to look how I look. I always even out to about the weight that I am now everytime I'm not on either side of the scale. I think I look pretty good, I'm working on accepting the parts of my body that I'd like to change, and overall I think getting so attached is pretty fruitless. It's just another way to reach for outside things to make me happy.

Being tattooed has been a big part of my life for the past year also. I would be lying if I said that I don't like the attention that being a heavily tattooed person gets you. But besides this I feel like it's given me a lot of help with accepting my body for what it is also. I felt this way when I got the hood or my clitoris and nipples pierced. It's just a decoration, but also it's sort of a celebration of what you've got. I think that's pretty awesome.

There's this woman that comes into Starbucks that is physically deteriorating. She's obviously anorexic or bulemic or both and my heart cries every time that I see her. It makes me think about how absolutely insane it is that she would look in the mirror and not be able to see what others see. I know that I've struggled with really being honest about what I look like, as I'm sure many other women have also. It's a little like denial. I feel like the more honest I am with myself the more these things just sort of fall into place and for once in my life I feel like I'm on my way to being happy with the way that I look.

drugs

I'm going to see my psychiatrist today. I have an appointment with her about every two months to evaluate my meds and just kind of touch base. I've been on the anti-depressant Effexor XR for a year or so, maybe longer, and I've decided that I want to slowly wean myself off of it. two months ago I halved my dose and I've been ok. I've noticed some increased anxiety but you'll have that I suppose. I think I'm going to have her cut me down again. I talked to her at my last appointment about how long she thought I should be on the medication. Apparently it's suggested that someone with a depression/anxiety history like mine to be on it indefinitely, as preventative care for future episodes of anxiety/depression. I'm really not trying to be on this medicine forever. One because it costs me $35 a month and two because I'm trying to slowly rid myself of any sort of chemical coping mechanism. I've recently discovered how much I abuse substances (outside the realm of drugs and alcohol which I've obviously sustained from using). Caffeine is a biggie. I've started to monitor my caffeine intake and was shocked at how much better I felt just cutting down half the amount that I injest on an everyday basis. I jokingly call it my caffeine spiritual experience, but I seriously felt that I was experiencing life/present moment stuff more because I wasn't self medicating with caffeine. I would usurp my tiredness with four shots of espresso before I even had a chance to feel tired. It's a prime example of escaping my body's natural reactions. I'm aiming to be more present at every moment of my life, not just the good ones. I realize that cutting out caffeine and eventually cigarettes (ouch!) isn't going to happen tomorrow. So I'm starting small and gradual with the anti depressants. I'm going to talk to her today about what the next step is. I hope it goes well.
In other news natural instincts has a new hair color that I'm trying out. I've been using the dark brown shade nutmeg ever since high school and they've recently debuted a new shade...EBONY MOCHA!!! I hope it's awesome.
Jason and I are both off today and we've got my mom's car. Not having a car is probably one of the best things ever because when I am able to use one I really appreciate it. None of the bad side effects of car ownership apply: paying for maintenence, not walking when I feel lazy, dealing with traffic etc.
There was a really good meeting yesterday at the church by my house. First let me just say that I'm so grateful for this meeting because it's at a gorgeous church literally five mintues walking distance from my house. It's so nice to be able to walk to a meeting everyday and work and the shop. I love my neighborhood. Anyway we sat outside in the courtyard and the topic was step two which is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I definitely substituted aa meetings for that power for a long while early in sobriety (still do and i'm still early but whatever). I've only recently discovered the small beginnings of an independent spiritual life outside of the aa rooms. This meeting is a gay and friends meeting and there were a couple of transsexuals and a lot of gay men and women there. Probably a majority of the meeting was gay/trans. I felt so honored to be there because everyone just poured their heart out and there was no holding back. It was completely honest and real. I love AA for this reason. It's not too often that you get to sit in a circle outside of a church with a bunch of gay/transsexual alcoholic drug addicts and talk about your experience with god as you understand him/her/it.

New Blog

I've recently been reading this book titled "One Breath at a Time Buddhism and the Twelve Steps" by Kevin Griffin. It's pretty awesome. I've tried meditation in the past and did it on and off but never regularly for about a year now. The benefits of meditation weren't really clear to me at the time, and I'm also lazy. Anyway I feel like this book is the one to really click with me on a spiritual level considering this dude is in recovery and a buddhist and all. I've tried the meditation exercises that he suggests and I must say that I'm much more aware of the purpose and benefit of meditation now than ever before. Maybe it just took that year for all the little buddhist seeds of influence to be planted and finding this book pretty randomly was what it took, who knows.
The most useful part of this meditation practice is that of noting thoughts. As I sit with the thoughts that come whizzing at me, I softly note or label them. For example if I'm thinking about wanting a cigarette I just think "wanting" and I consiously let that thought go and focus back to my breath. I find that noting thoughts is extremely helpful in allowing me to let go. I feel like the word puts them into a neat little box that I can then throw out of my minds proverbial window.
Another fairly useful tool is being conscious of my thoughts/obsessions/emotions etc etc as being human and normal. Not only normal but nothing that I have to believe or act on either. (ie. feelings aren't facts).Being an alchoholic/drug addict makes this especially hard because I have the tendency to think every thought that I have is something that I have to fix or do something about. It comes as a huge relief to just be conscious enough to let it go if I can.
Although this book and starting to practice slowly has been really awesome, it's also been equally overwhelming. Being aware on an everyday basis is hard work and sometimes it's next to impossible. Doing step work is stressful enough, but adding meditation to the mix can be a total mindfuck at times. I know that sorting through the leftover garbage of my past and working with it now on an everyday basis is the only real way that I'll ever be happy and peaceful so it's worth it. Sometimes it just drives me insane and I want to escape. Luckily I've been escaping with more productive things these days like tattoos and nature documentaries.
Speaking of nature documentaries, Jason introduced me to David Attenborough and he's the cutest old British guy ever. Way better than Steve Irwin RIP. We've been watching the mammals doc. on Netflix and it's f'in awesome. Did you know that kangaroos poop out this little worm thing and then it climbs it's way into the pouch to grow!? Incredible! Then after awhile this huge ass fucking kangaroo is all cramped in the pouch. Also that eucalyptus doesn't really give koalas the best nutrition but for some reason it's all they eat so they have to spend like all goddamn day eating it? All they do is eat leaves and sleep. OH AND BE ADORABLE. There's that too.
Jason finished up this sugar skull winged thing on my hip/rib area a couple of days ago. It hurt like a motherfucker. I'm so glad it's done. It looks badass. Here are some pictures of the progress:
Jason Lambert about to work his magic!















stencil
shading
my baby at work.










boy did it hurt but it looks fucking awesome.