working for the weekend

another long shift at work. i'm fuckin beat. i have to open the store for the next four days. i'm on day three on a nine day stretch and six of the nine are opens, which means i'll be getting up at 430am for the next four days. i'm pretty exhausted. i can't do chris's tattoo today because jason is tattooing zane and i'm chairing sacred heart so i have to be there around 730 to set up and it's just not enough time. not to mention how tired i am. ugh. i hate to complain, because life is so good right now. i feel like what i'm doing is exactly right for me at this stage in my life and that feels so fucking great lemme tell you. i did the 8th step yesterday with my sponsor. i made a list of all people i had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. i basically just have to make an effort to be selflessly involved in people's lives that i've hurt in the past, mostly my family. i was suprised at how easy it was, but then again my drinking career didn't last as long as others have. speaking of which, james is drinking again and thommy is moving back home to connecticut. i had a sort of dramatic and potentially harmful relationship with james a few months back and i'm glad i cut it out because he's really dangerous to my sobriety, he was then and he definitely is now. it was such a lesson though, my interaction with him. it helped to identify something really pertinent to making a huge change in old patterns. it's really unbelievable how much i've grown and am continuing to learn about myself through sobriety. the promise that "we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us" is really coming true for me lately. juggling my job and painting and drawing and having tattoos set up and going to meetings, doing step work, working at the shop, etc etc., basically all of the things that i do now would have totally overwhelmed me to the point of saying "fuck this shit" a year or so ago. but for some reason doing a little bit at a time and having help just makes it so much easier and over time, i just keep gaining more and more perspective and motivation, all the while being happy and free. it's pretty incredible. i used to be so depressed and anxious all of the time. not to say i don't have bad days, but they are way fewer and far between than they used to be. i would've been overwhelmed by the very act of writing this blog a few years ago, then i would've gotten down on myself for not writing anymore and the vicious cycle of self loathing would begin. now it's easier to just do it. i'm go grateful and fortunate to have understood enough a year or so ago that i had to be willing to just listen to someone else for a change. i owe my life to that. and at the very least i owe my happiness to that.