i worked a long one today. 9 hours from five in the morning until two in the afternoon. i was so beat when i was done. my back was so stiff and inflamed. i took a couple tylenol and hit the sack for a couple of hours. i've been reading the last book in the aforementioned teen vampire story. very steamy, very provocative, and bella swan is very...pregnant? with a vampire baby. you should hear her talking about this kid, she wants to keep her baby and i don't think it's going to happen. oh yeah and she married that edward guy because she wants to be his forever. give me a break. i really don't like where this is heading, but it is pretty provocative stuff, so of course i'm going to continue to read it. i know it's kind of lame for me to sit here and trash it while i'm still reading the damn thing, but this is my blog, if you don't like it, tough.
so anyway i took a shower and now i'm feeling better. drinking some coffee and waiting for my brother to come over so we can talk some shit and go to my home group. tonight is chip night and i get my one year coin and a round of applause from the other home group members. it's pretty interested to hear the opinions of people who basically saw the light come back into your eyes after coming in all haggard and drunk and emotionally beaten. it feels good. i feel good.
i think i'm going to make a vegetarian mexican lasagne of sorts this evening. i'm going to experiment and hope that it comes out ok. i cleaned my kitchen and organized it yesterday. i went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of shit at trader joes so i feel like a real person. i've been avoiding my apartment lately because it's been such a wreck and i've been staying at jason's a lot lately. i've been working at being self supporting and paying my own rent, keeping up with my place, and not depending on him for a lot these past couple of months. mostly because it's been a pattern of mine in the past to depend on my boyfriend for certain things that i should be doing for myself, and i like my boyfriend, so i'm trying to do the right thing to break those patterns for once. one of those things includes not moving in with him right away. i'm pretty set on not moving in with him until we get married actually. it sounds really traditional and conservative i know, but for one thing i don't want to mess this up and statistically marriages last longer when the couple doesn't live together first. i need to be solid in my ability to take care of myself before i can move to that step. i'm trying the best i can to do this right. things are going pretty well so far.
if there's one important lesson that i've learned over the past year it's that things in life don't happen overnight, that things that are the most important to your happiness take time, and it's not on your watch. life has a funny way of taking a long time to get good, but if i keep on top of it, it's more than i can ever imagine.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
WHOO TATTOO
i love margaret cho. it just makes sense that she's getting tattooed a bunch because i think she understands the way that tattoos make a lady feel about her body. i'm going on pure assumption here, but going on her past body issues and her comments on burlesque that i've read recently as well as her show "beautiful" which is totally centered around body acceptance i can really relate to her getting tattooed a lot. she has always been a big hero of mine. when i was younger and trying to make sense of how i felt about feminism, she really made a lot of sense to me. she was one of the first feminists that made me feel really empowered, and it makes me really happy that she's in the spotlight now, and also that her tattoos are getting a lot of attention with her new show and all.
i talk to a lot of people about tattoos. when you've got a lot people want to talk to you and it can't really be avoided. one of the compliments that i'm lucky enough to get about my tattoos are that they suit me very well. i think that this is a matter of just having the privledge of getting tattooed by awesome artists who know that a tattoo should look like it's always been there. i think that this is possible for every person who wants a tattoo, not just me. personally i think tattoos "suit" everyone who wants them and i want people who have them to get the best work possible. having a tattoo that moves with your body and that is a compliment to it's shape is one of the biggest reasons i get tattooed. it's amazing to be able to look at a part of yourself accented by lines and beautiful color. i feel that it really reinvented the way that i feel about my body specifically my legs which i was always a little self conscious of before. some may think that it's hiding behind something, but if i feel better about my body when i look in the mirror because it's got beautiful tattoos on it, then whatever. i'd like to think that ms.cho thinks similarly. the more well done tattoos are in the spotlight, the better i feel and hopefully it will get people to search a little harder for a better tattoo artist.
speaking of tattoos, i've got my next couple planned out and it's really cool stuff. my friend chris is getting a posada day of the dead type thing and i'm so so excited to do it.
we watched gus van sant's new movie paranoid park last night. i kind of hated it. the music and filming were very geared toward inducing a feeling which is guess some people would call pretty genius, i mean i got it and there were definitely parts that i thought were really beautiful, but overall i felt that it didn't have a lot to go on besides that feeling of teenage hopelessness and confusion. i guess it just isn't my artsy bag. oh well. we also watched chinatown which i really liked. now there's a movie with substance!
i finished the third book in stephenie meyer's emotionally drawn out teen vampire saga last night also. boy did that book piss me off! i read the first two with such fervor that i could hardly wait to start the third. wow was it disappointing. and HELLO! BELLA SWAN can you get your head out of your ass and maybe think for yourself for once! sheesh. what kind of message are we sending to teenagers here stephenie meyer?! given i haven't read the final book yet, so maybe she'll come to her senses and stop depending on those dudes for her identity, but c'mon! not to mention that it was entirely too long. 600 plus pages of trite-ass filler. of course i'm going to read the last book, just because i've gotta know what happens, but i'm not falling for this teenage love story bullshit. i'm hoping bella tells them both to hit the road. i'll let you guys know when i'm finished.
i talk to a lot of people about tattoos. when you've got a lot people want to talk to you and it can't really be avoided. one of the compliments that i'm lucky enough to get about my tattoos are that they suit me very well. i think that this is a matter of just having the privledge of getting tattooed by awesome artists who know that a tattoo should look like it's always been there. i think that this is possible for every person who wants a tattoo, not just me. personally i think tattoos "suit" everyone who wants them and i want people who have them to get the best work possible. having a tattoo that moves with your body and that is a compliment to it's shape is one of the biggest reasons i get tattooed. it's amazing to be able to look at a part of yourself accented by lines and beautiful color. i feel that it really reinvented the way that i feel about my body specifically my legs which i was always a little self conscious of before. some may think that it's hiding behind something, but if i feel better about my body when i look in the mirror because it's got beautiful tattoos on it, then whatever. i'd like to think that ms.cho thinks similarly. the more well done tattoos are in the spotlight, the better i feel and hopefully it will get people to search a little harder for a better tattoo artist.
speaking of tattoos, i've got my next couple planned out and it's really cool stuff. my friend chris is getting a posada day of the dead type thing and i'm so so excited to do it.
we watched gus van sant's new movie paranoid park last night. i kind of hated it. the music and filming were very geared toward inducing a feeling which is guess some people would call pretty genius, i mean i got it and there were definitely parts that i thought were really beautiful, but overall i felt that it didn't have a lot to go on besides that feeling of teenage hopelessness and confusion. i guess it just isn't my artsy bag. oh well. we also watched chinatown which i really liked. now there's a movie with substance!
i finished the third book in stephenie meyer's emotionally drawn out teen vampire saga last night also. boy did that book piss me off! i read the first two with such fervor that i could hardly wait to start the third. wow was it disappointing. and HELLO! BELLA SWAN can you get your head out of your ass and maybe think for yourself for once! sheesh. what kind of message are we sending to teenagers here stephenie meyer?! given i haven't read the final book yet, so maybe she'll come to her senses and stop depending on those dudes for her identity, but c'mon! not to mention that it was entirely too long. 600 plus pages of trite-ass filler. of course i'm going to read the last book, just because i've gotta know what happens, but i'm not falling for this teenage love story bullshit. i'm hoping bella tells them both to hit the road. i'll let you guys know when i'm finished.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
we stood at the turning point with complete abandon
getting sober is so much more than just abstaining from using drugs and alcohol. they call it a complete psychic change. i've heard other people say "it's easy, the only thing you have to do is change everything." being an alcoholic doesn't just mean that i drank funny and couldn't do it anymore, it means that ever since i started using substances (and i use that term broadly because it can mean anything that i'm "using" to escape: sex, people, sleep, food) to escape reality, i began to think and behave funny too.
i'm a little over a year sober and have done 7 of the 12 steps that the progams of alcoholics anonymous suggests of me. the steps are designed to basically teach you three things: trust a god of your understanding, clean house (meaning taking personal inventories of the harm you have done others and making the proper amends), and helping others. the 12th step says "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. doing the steps is a spiritual awakening, working this program is a complete psychic change. lately i've been noticing ways in which my brain automatically reaches for the easiest escape or most instantly gratifying behavior that it can grasp. the trouble with being like i am and also why going to meetings and keeping alcoholic friends is important, is because along with this tendency to grasp for the easy things, i also have an incredibly short memory for trouble that these behaviors have caused me in the past. meaning that if i didn't have a network of sober alcholics or a daily reminder of my condition, that it makes it much much easier for me to just do these things without even thinking about the harm that i'm causing myself of the people who love me the most. in aa we learn from each other the ways in which these things can be avoided. we look out for each other and give each other a hard dose of reality when we see each other fucking up. i'm very fortunate that i've got a sponsor that is one of the best at doing this sort of thing. but the hard thing about all of it is that i'm just at the beginning, and that uneven emotional rollercoaster still seems appealing. being sober doesn't just mean not using drugs or alchohol, it means living a sober life, which to some people seems pretty boring, especially for a newly sober alcoholic. it means paying your bills, having a mortgage, having a steady job, having children that are provided for in every way, it means going to bed at a reasonable hour, not eating too much, caring about your health. all of these things seem so boring to a crazy ex party girl like me. but sometimes, when i force my brain out of norm and i do this stuff, other really amazing things start to happen. things that i wouldn't have ever expected and that are beyond anything that i could ever imagine. things like being peaceful and content and getting a promotion when i was only ever fired, the respect of my family and friends. its then that you realize that the real gifts of sobriety aren't on your terms. they aren't in your realm of good stuff. that's the gift of sobriety. that's my complete psychic change thus far, because i would have never ever in a million years have listed those things as being better than getting what i thought i wanted. it's just the weird way that surrender works. or should i say the weird way that god works. i've got a concept of that now, and i feel really fortunate.
i'm a little over a year sober and have done 7 of the 12 steps that the progams of alcoholics anonymous suggests of me. the steps are designed to basically teach you three things: trust a god of your understanding, clean house (meaning taking personal inventories of the harm you have done others and making the proper amends), and helping others. the 12th step says "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. doing the steps is a spiritual awakening, working this program is a complete psychic change. lately i've been noticing ways in which my brain automatically reaches for the easiest escape or most instantly gratifying behavior that it can grasp. the trouble with being like i am and also why going to meetings and keeping alcoholic friends is important, is because along with this tendency to grasp for the easy things, i also have an incredibly short memory for trouble that these behaviors have caused me in the past. meaning that if i didn't have a network of sober alcholics or a daily reminder of my condition, that it makes it much much easier for me to just do these things without even thinking about the harm that i'm causing myself of the people who love me the most. in aa we learn from each other the ways in which these things can be avoided. we look out for each other and give each other a hard dose of reality when we see each other fucking up. i'm very fortunate that i've got a sponsor that is one of the best at doing this sort of thing. but the hard thing about all of it is that i'm just at the beginning, and that uneven emotional rollercoaster still seems appealing. being sober doesn't just mean not using drugs or alchohol, it means living a sober life, which to some people seems pretty boring, especially for a newly sober alcoholic. it means paying your bills, having a mortgage, having a steady job, having children that are provided for in every way, it means going to bed at a reasonable hour, not eating too much, caring about your health. all of these things seem so boring to a crazy ex party girl like me. but sometimes, when i force my brain out of norm and i do this stuff, other really amazing things start to happen. things that i wouldn't have ever expected and that are beyond anything that i could ever imagine. things like being peaceful and content and getting a promotion when i was only ever fired, the respect of my family and friends. its then that you realize that the real gifts of sobriety aren't on your terms. they aren't in your realm of good stuff. that's the gift of sobriety. that's my complete psychic change thus far, because i would have never ever in a million years have listed those things as being better than getting what i thought i wanted. it's just the weird way that surrender works. or should i say the weird way that god works. i've got a concept of that now, and i feel really fortunate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)