getting sober is so much more than just abstaining from using drugs and alcohol. they call it a complete psychic change. i've heard other people say "it's easy, the only thing you have to do is change everything." being an alcoholic doesn't just mean that i drank funny and couldn't do it anymore, it means that ever since i started using substances (and i use that term broadly because it can mean anything that i'm "using" to escape: sex, people, sleep, food) to escape reality, i began to think and behave funny too.
i'm a little over a year sober and have done 7 of the 12 steps that the progams of alcoholics anonymous suggests of me. the steps are designed to basically teach you three things: trust a god of your understanding, clean house (meaning taking personal inventories of the harm you have done others and making the proper amends), and helping others. the 12th step says "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. doing the steps is a spiritual awakening, working this program is a complete psychic change. lately i've been noticing ways in which my brain automatically reaches for the easiest escape or most instantly gratifying behavior that it can grasp. the trouble with being like i am and also why going to meetings and keeping alcoholic friends is important, is because along with this tendency to grasp for the easy things, i also have an incredibly short memory for trouble that these behaviors have caused me in the past. meaning that if i didn't have a network of sober alcholics or a daily reminder of my condition, that it makes it much much easier for me to just do these things without even thinking about the harm that i'm causing myself of the people who love me the most. in aa we learn from each other the ways in which these things can be avoided. we look out for each other and give each other a hard dose of reality when we see each other fucking up. i'm very fortunate that i've got a sponsor that is one of the best at doing this sort of thing. but the hard thing about all of it is that i'm just at the beginning, and that uneven emotional rollercoaster still seems appealing. being sober doesn't just mean not using drugs or alchohol, it means living a sober life, which to some people seems pretty boring, especially for a newly sober alcoholic. it means paying your bills, having a mortgage, having a steady job, having children that are provided for in every way, it means going to bed at a reasonable hour, not eating too much, caring about your health. all of these things seem so boring to a crazy ex party girl like me. but sometimes, when i force my brain out of norm and i do this stuff, other really amazing things start to happen. things that i wouldn't have ever expected and that are beyond anything that i could ever imagine. things like being peaceful and content and getting a promotion when i was only ever fired, the respect of my family and friends. its then that you realize that the real gifts of sobriety aren't on your terms. they aren't in your realm of good stuff. that's the gift of sobriety. that's my complete psychic change thus far, because i would have never ever in a million years have listed those things as being better than getting what i thought i wanted. it's just the weird way that surrender works. or should i say the weird way that god works. i've got a concept of that now, and i feel really fortunate.
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