so i'm tapering my medication down until i'm completely off of this devil shit effexor xr. under the guidance of my psychiatrist i've gone from 300mgs to 37.5mgs in about five months. i've gotta say that this shift has been by far the most rough. effexor is notoriously hard to wean from with a whole slew of awful side effects that include nightmares, blurred vision, wild mood swings, and nausea. all of which i've experienced in various combinations over the past week. it's gotten so bad at times that i thought that maybe my brain would never be the same or that i was living in some alternate reality. definitely not a good time. however it's done nothing but prove to me that this shit is really not for me anymore and definitely not something i ever want to be a part of my life again. if anything it's given me a reason to reflect on just how strong my ability to deal with life and my brain in reality is these days. in a lot of ways it reminds me of my first few months of sobriety when i was totally nuts. my brain was searching for whatever it could to abuse and escape like cigarettes, coffee, and food for example. when i'm feeling especially weird or crappy i just remember that i'm not my thoughts or feelings and that the chemical imbalance is just causing a crazy reaction that i can't really trust right now. it's sort of hard since i've just started to be able to trust myself and know my emotions a little better, but i'm sure that this is the right thing to do at this point in my life. next come the cigarettes, but you know, one thing at a time.
i did a tattoo on wednesday. some blue whales on chris kibler's gf sam. it was taken from a woodcut print from tugboat printshop. it turned out well, but i was really tired and irritable from working early so i wasn't in the best frame of mind. i was a little afraid that i wouldn't be able to make it look good after some shoddy linework, but i did my best and it turned out solid and clean. i feel like i'm getting way better at shading and solid color, but linework is going to take a long time to perfect. tattooing is not easy that's for sure, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and practice. i'm still having fun and just as pumped about doing it as i was before which is all i can really ask for.
i'm getting pretty frustrated at starbucks recently. they've cut some people's hours and our coverage for shifts is less than satisfactory. this means more work in less time and a lot more stress. i used to really enjoy it there, but it's just annoying now. it doesn't help that i'm going to be tattooing soon and i'd much rather be working on that than making fucking lattes but whatever. it's where i'm at right now and i've gotta build up. i can't just expect success to fall into my lap right away. it's just contrary to how my brain works. i want all the good stuff and benefits now, with no work. unfortunately that's just how it goes. at any rate i'm super grateful for my job and the opportunities i've been given recently. i've just gotta keep showing up for my life everyday and the rest will fall into place.
i'm really excited for christmas this year. i bought some awesome gifts and my relationships are just so much better than ever before. i feel like i have the opportunity to really be present this year and that's the best thing ever. being proud of yourself and happy with your life is one of the best gifts that anyone could ever get and i can proudly say that those things are a part of my life. i guess i'm just generally grateful for everything i've got these days. especially cable. twin peaks everyday. chiller channel rules.
merry christmas yinz.
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