drugs

I'm going to see my psychiatrist today. I have an appointment with her about every two months to evaluate my meds and just kind of touch base. I've been on the anti-depressant Effexor XR for a year or so, maybe longer, and I've decided that I want to slowly wean myself off of it. two months ago I halved my dose and I've been ok. I've noticed some increased anxiety but you'll have that I suppose. I think I'm going to have her cut me down again. I talked to her at my last appointment about how long she thought I should be on the medication. Apparently it's suggested that someone with a depression/anxiety history like mine to be on it indefinitely, as preventative care for future episodes of anxiety/depression. I'm really not trying to be on this medicine forever. One because it costs me $35 a month and two because I'm trying to slowly rid myself of any sort of chemical coping mechanism. I've recently discovered how much I abuse substances (outside the realm of drugs and alcohol which I've obviously sustained from using). Caffeine is a biggie. I've started to monitor my caffeine intake and was shocked at how much better I felt just cutting down half the amount that I injest on an everyday basis. I jokingly call it my caffeine spiritual experience, but I seriously felt that I was experiencing life/present moment stuff more because I wasn't self medicating with caffeine. I would usurp my tiredness with four shots of espresso before I even had a chance to feel tired. It's a prime example of escaping my body's natural reactions. I'm aiming to be more present at every moment of my life, not just the good ones. I realize that cutting out caffeine and eventually cigarettes (ouch!) isn't going to happen tomorrow. So I'm starting small and gradual with the anti depressants. I'm going to talk to her today about what the next step is. I hope it goes well.
In other news natural instincts has a new hair color that I'm trying out. I've been using the dark brown shade nutmeg ever since high school and they've recently debuted a new shade...EBONY MOCHA!!! I hope it's awesome.
Jason and I are both off today and we've got my mom's car. Not having a car is probably one of the best things ever because when I am able to use one I really appreciate it. None of the bad side effects of car ownership apply: paying for maintenence, not walking when I feel lazy, dealing with traffic etc.
There was a really good meeting yesterday at the church by my house. First let me just say that I'm so grateful for this meeting because it's at a gorgeous church literally five mintues walking distance from my house. It's so nice to be able to walk to a meeting everyday and work and the shop. I love my neighborhood. Anyway we sat outside in the courtyard and the topic was step two which is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I definitely substituted aa meetings for that power for a long while early in sobriety (still do and i'm still early but whatever). I've only recently discovered the small beginnings of an independent spiritual life outside of the aa rooms. This meeting is a gay and friends meeting and there were a couple of transsexuals and a lot of gay men and women there. Probably a majority of the meeting was gay/trans. I felt so honored to be there because everyone just poured their heart out and there was no holding back. It was completely honest and real. I love AA for this reason. It's not too often that you get to sit in a circle outside of a church with a bunch of gay/transsexual alcoholic drug addicts and talk about your experience with god as you understand him/her/it.