self centered realization number 495738952905

i used to feel a certain way when someone i know died. i always thought i should be feeling a certain way, crying, or be depressed. i don't know if i can chalk my feelings now up to being sober or just being older, but i'm much more ok with just letting myself feel however i feel. when jason told me that my aunt carol died yesterday i cried. i was at work and my boss let me go home early. i went home and called some family members, my mom, my stepmother, dad, and brother. i cried a little bit more, but mostly when i heard the sadness in others voices. i've never lost anybody that i spent a lot of time with. my grandfather died last march and now my aunt, who was young and died of liver cancer after a nine year battle with breast cancer. so this time i understand that its my job to comfort those in more pain than myself rather than to be all introspective and critical of my own reaction.

another reason i'm glad i'm sober

the student loan people called me today at work. i was about ready to scream at the lady cause i was having a bad day and no one likes to hear that they owe someone fifteen grand and some change. oh and that they are going to start garnishing my wages. so anyway i took a minute to think and stayed on the phone instead of hanging up (which i totally would have done before) and got all of the info, asked questions, was super polite, and took care of business. yay! and i'm not completely freaking out about it. that's some serious progress if i do say so myself. financial burdens are one of the things that i haven't really tackled yet, so this was a good start. slowly but surely i'll take care of business.

there are so many reasons why my life is awesome these days. i'm getting married to the love of my life, my best friend and the person who believes in me more than anyone in the whole world. i'm tatttooing on a semi regular basis and I LOVE IT, i've got a stable job that gives me health insurance, and i'm finally starting to develop a spiritual life that i'm happy with. not to mention that i'm doing weight watchers with my mom and i lost twenty lbs! i've got a great sponsee who is doing great in the program and i get to see her go thru recovery and all of the positive changes it brings. oh and i've also been going to the denist (dr. cheppa rules) and taking care of some problems that have had me anxious for a good while now. action action action. or as henry rollins says don't think about it, DO IT! totally the motto for 2009. anyway i'm going to go eat some pasta and watch ANTM. xoxox

ps. watch rupaul's drag race. you won't be sorry. nina flowers 4 ever. ttfn

a little bit of everything

so i'm tapering my medication down until i'm completely off of this devil shit effexor xr. under the guidance of my psychiatrist i've gone from 300mgs to 37.5mgs in about five months. i've gotta say that this shift has been by far the most rough. effexor is notoriously hard to wean from with a whole slew of awful side effects that include nightmares, blurred vision, wild mood swings, and nausea. all of which i've experienced in various combinations over the past week. it's gotten so bad at times that i thought that maybe my brain would never be the same or that i was living in some alternate reality. definitely not a good time. however it's done nothing but prove to me that this shit is really not for me anymore and definitely not something i ever want to be a part of my life again. if anything it's given me a reason to reflect on just how strong my ability to deal with life and my brain in reality is these days. in a lot of ways it reminds me of my first few months of sobriety when i was totally nuts. my brain was searching for whatever it could to abuse and escape like cigarettes, coffee, and food for example. when i'm feeling especially weird or crappy i just remember that i'm not my thoughts or feelings and that the chemical imbalance is just causing a crazy reaction that i can't really trust right now. it's sort of hard since i've just started to be able to trust myself and know my emotions a little better, but i'm sure that this is the right thing to do at this point in my life. next come the cigarettes, but you know, one thing at a time.

i did a tattoo on wednesday. some blue whales on chris kibler's gf sam. it was taken from a woodcut print from tugboat printshop. it turned out well, but i was really tired and irritable from working early so i wasn't in the best frame of mind. i was a little afraid that i wouldn't be able to make it look good after some shoddy linework, but i did my best and it turned out solid and clean. i feel like i'm getting way better at shading and solid color, but linework is going to take a long time to perfect. tattooing is not easy that's for sure, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and practice. i'm still having fun and just as pumped about doing it as i was before which is all i can really ask for.

i'm getting pretty frustrated at starbucks recently. they've cut some people's hours and our coverage for shifts is less than satisfactory. this means more work in less time and a lot more stress. i used to really enjoy it there, but it's just annoying now. it doesn't help that i'm going to be tattooing soon and i'd much rather be working on that than making fucking lattes but whatever. it's where i'm at right now and i've gotta build up. i can't just expect success to fall into my lap right away. it's just contrary to how my brain works. i want all the good stuff and benefits now, with no work. unfortunately that's just how it goes. at any rate i'm super grateful for my job and the opportunities i've been given recently. i've just gotta keep showing up for my life everyday and the rest will fall into place.

i'm really excited for christmas this year. i bought some awesome gifts and my relationships are just so much better than ever before. i feel like i have the opportunity to really be present this year and that's the best thing ever. being proud of yourself and happy with your life is one of the best gifts that anyone could ever get and i can proudly say that those things are a part of my life. i guess i'm just generally grateful for everything i've got these days. especially cable. twin peaks everyday. chiller channel rules.

merry christmas yinz.

i'm all moved in

i moved in with jason over the weekend and it was pretty much the easiest move i've ever done. i spent basically a day getting everything i wanted out of my place and after work jason and brian came and we loaded the truck up a couple times. when we got the second load ready, jason's dad and brother kevin were here and we knocked out the second load in about ten minutes. it was awesome and fast and best of all it's done and i don't have to worry about it anymore.

we got cable on sunday and i hate to say it but it's pretty awesome. the chiller channel rocks my world. they show twin peaks and tales from the darkside. i can catch up on all of the trashy tv series that i watch now and HELLO LIFETIME MOVIE CHANNEL! so awesome. i was off today and rearranged a bunch of stuff. it's starting to look really nice and homey in here. so far living together with all my stuff is way better than living together with a messy apartment with most of my crap and having to pay like 500 a month for it. now i can get jason that xbox 360 i've been wanting i mean he's been wanting. GUITAR HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah i'm really excited about the cute little drawing area that we've got. all of my books and shit are right there and it's what i've always wanted. an art space all my own. i guess i get another one next month when my station at the shop is ready. i'm really loving my life these days.

i'm going to be doing a tattoo on jason's sister in law amber soon. it will be the first custom tattoo i ever do and i'm so fucking pumped. mostly because she wanted something kind of difficult to imagine as a tattoo (for me anyways). and i made it look pretty good and definitely tattooable. jason thinks i should wait to do a couple more color tattoos before i tackle skin tone and all of that, so i'm trying to set up a couple of people for the next couple of weeks before i do ambers. i'll be sure to post pictures. i finished amanda's back last week. hopefully i'll get a nice photo of it all healed up. i took a kind of glarey picture of it with my phone that i suppose i'll post here just for shits and giggles, but it's not great.

we're watching anthony bourdain and eating mad mex so i'm going to cut this short. talk to yinz laterz!

ceremony

i watched this joy division documentary last night. it was really beautifully done. it made me realize how much i stopped listening to really emotional music that made me feel a certain way. i guess it's sort of related to how i view life these days, happy joyous, and free. but in a way listening to those songs and sort of understanding the struggles behind the lyrics really made me see the beauty and importance of them. it's such a powerful thing, music. i think when you listen to a band like joy division it takes you to a dark place that everyone has, and that can be scary sometimes. but in a way it's a symbol of triumph, for me anyways. because i see that although that deep rooted somber place that i have, and that i think everyone has, is there but i don't regret it. i don't see it as a current state of mind, it's a place that i've left long ago. and that sound just cuts straight to your fucking heart. no bullshit. just hits you right where it hurts.

i went to a bunch of meetings this weekend, i wasn't going because i was stuck in some fucking sad self pitying mood and all that i wanted to do was lay around eat ice cream and watch tv. i broke out of my sloth trance on friday and went to a meeting and was asked to give a lead at amberson which is one of the biggest meetings in the city. i told my story to about 100 alcoholics and it was nervewracking but good. i wasn't scared really and there is just a certain calm that comes over me when i'm speaking like that in front of everyone. i feel like it's a measurement of my confidence level and i guess i'm a pretty fearless person sometimes. it felt good.

jason and i got started on getting my crap out of my old apartment. we ordered cable because we can afford it and it's cheap now. i've got mixed feelings about cable, but i spend a lot of time at home anyway and we don't really go out and do much in the winter. hopefully it won't be a mistake. :()

cara cable. tattooer?

it's been about a week since i found out that i have to move. i went through some mourning and i cried a lot and i'm accepting the fact that it's time for change even though i didn't prompt it. i've noticed that i've been dealing with it in a really crappy way that's been affecting my mood everyday since. i'm totally lazy, eating really badly, and kind of paralyzed by the thought of doing anything about the situation. the way that i've been dealing with the responsibility of having my own place was an old pattern of living irresponsibly that at one time worked for me before but doesn't work anymore now that i'm sober. for one thing, being a sober person who's trying to live in a sober adult way it's totally counterproductive for me to do what i've been doing, so that causes a lot of stress and anxiety. the problem with all of this is that it's natural for me to avoid responsibility instead of kicking it in the ass and getting shit done for myself so that i don't cause huge problems for myself in the future. i've been slacking off in every aspect of my life this past week and it's not cool. i feel pretty crappy on an everyday basis because of it. my sponsor likes to call these poopy situations AFGO's (another fucking growth opportunity). once i bust through it and do the best that i can, i'll feel a million times better and have learned a good lesson, problem is i've gotta actually do the work to feel better and when i get like this it's really hard to snap out of my self pity and depression and just fucking do it. now i've got "do it" by the Rollins Band running through my head. i think i'll just blast that song while i'm trying to get amped up to move. ugh.

on a lighter note, i finished chris's posada tattoo yesterday. it took forever, but it's finally done and i'm pretty satisfied with it. i only got to do the outline on amanda's back, but i'm getting pretty comfortable with the shader so i think i'll be able to do it fairly quickly. i need to start tattooing more than once a week, because i feel like it takes forever for me to get back into the groove of it after awhile. jason said it'd stick with me once i've been doing it for awhile, but at this point i'm still such a beginner i feel like things don't start flowing for me until i'm almost done. i've got a couple more people lined up with ideas and a bunch more that say they wanna get stuff from me. it's really flattering that people have responded with such trust and encouragement. next i'm going to do a wind up toy robot on this guy that works for starbucks and a rose with a mom banner from sailor jerry's flash for liz. i've been so lucky that people want cool shit, but i know my name and kanji days are comin.

just wanted to mention that i've got pretty much the most amazing boyfriend ever. but he cannot keep a secret because he showed me the frame of the tattoo machine that he's getting me for christmas. it's so beautiful. it's got my name on it and it's so simple and elegant looking. it's so incredibly perfect. i can't fucking wait to use it. it's hard to believe that it'll just be him and i at the shop starting in a little over a month. i can't believe it. sometimes i forget that brian won't be there anymore and that it's just going to be him and i. once we start getting my station and the whole shop in order it'll set in i'm sure, but for now things are just pretty much like they always were and i forget that i'll be doing tattoos for money soon (hopefully).

everytime i think about myself as a tattooer, i get a lot of mixed feelings. in my head it's the most exciting and perfect thing that i can possibly think of to do at this point in my life. and i'm full of gratitude and love for all of my peers and especially jason. mostly because i know that the bar is really high these days and i'm so grateful because i've got really amazing shit to strive to accomplish. i know that when jason and brian started they didn't have that, and it took them a lot longer to get better because they were figuring everything out for themselves. sometimes i feel like i'm cheating and that it's too easy for me because i've got everything pretty much laid out for me to get better more quickly. and i also can't help but think about what other tattooers must think of me because of this. i know that it's none of my business what other people think of me, but i do think about it and it keeps me from really celebrating my small successes sometimes because i feel like it's not completely of my own doing. i know that this will change once i start tattooing without jason's help, but until that happens i'll just have to keep on taking direction and doing the best that i can with the amazing tools that i'm lucky enough to have. i guess i just want to say thank you to jason and brian and all of the amazing tattooers and artists that have worked really hard to make my journey a little easier.

a few days ago i walked into my apartment to grab some shoes because the only reason i've been going there for about the past month is to get something. and my place was all cleaned up with a lot of my stuff in boxes. my landlord is renting my apartment out and i had no idea until i went there the other day. i've been behind on my rent since last year and financially just haven't been able to catch up and it's been a huge source of anxiety for me for a long time. i've also been struggling with the idea of whether or not i want to make the move to live with jason. i've gotta be out of my apartment by december first. i'm not ready for this change mostly because it wasn't prompted by me, but i shouldn't have expected anything less considering i've been dodging my rent for so long.

i feel so bad and irreponsible and like nothing is going to make me feel better, but i know that's not true. i just have to suck it up and be an adult and take care of this. i'm nervous.