RIP Erica

Erica Hinson Denny created connections between people who would otherwise never know each other. She brought people together with her art, her rambunctiousness, and her spirit. After witnessing over 300 people lining up to pay their respects to Erica "Artfisch" Hinson Denny, I can say that for myself the most important thing for me to do to honor her, is to love the people that she loved no matter what and to continue to make fearless connections with people through love, art, and laughter. I feel so lucky to know the people that I do because of her. I love you Erica. I miss you.

Erica

My friend Erica is in the hospital. She suffered an asthma attack and passed out. Her husband gave her CPR until the ambulance got there, but her brain had already swelled and she was in a coma. She's been in a coma ever since Sunday and they are moving her to John Hopkins Hospital to get a second opinion on a not so great diagnosis of brain damage and swelling that won't go down. She can't breathe on her own.
The last time I saw Erica she was full of life and snapping photos of me at my wedding. It seems so unreal that she's lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life. Josh, her husband, called me today. He said that she seems like she can hear you when you talk to her and thinks she wants to come back. I think she wants to come back too. It just doesn't seem fair to her 5 children and all of the people that she has yet to meet.
Erica is a very talented photographer and artist and one of the most fearless people that I've ever met. Earlier this year I got to tattoo her and we got matching tattoos at the Baltimore Tattoo Convention. I hope that I can see her again.

Honeymoon N'at

So I'm back from my honeymoon. Key West is a wonderful little town and we had a great time. It is very darling and relaxed. The weather is amazing and the houses and atmosphere are fantastic. Mallory Square and the super tourist areas aren't so bad either. But after 5 days of our "relaxing" honeymoon (that means no boat tours or swimming with dolphins or voyages to the dry tortugas) we were both ready to come home! The highlight of the trip was the beach at Fort Zachary Taylor State Park. It was amazingly beautiful and the ocean was great. I snorkeled and we read and sunned ourselves for hours. Renting chairs and umbrellas cost you $30 and snorkeling equipment cost you another $10. With snacks and admission a day at the beach ends up costing you $50. Vacation is expensive!
We found ourselves really scrimping as the days went on and ended up eating at the awesome and affordable El Siboney many times. I've never really had Cuban food. They give you a basket of the most delicious buttered hot bread as soon as you sit down. I got a half of a garlic roasted chicken with yellow rice, black beans, and friend plaintains the first night. It was amazing and I couldn't eat it all. I would say that was my favorite meal of the trip.

Acceptance Was the Answer to All of My Problems

Lately I've been feeling a stifled by my own denial. I go through phases where I just simply ignore what I'm feeling. It's usually when something stressful like change or death is happening, and it's rooted in fear. I hold onto this denial, and I go through the motions of everyday and manage to be alright, but there is just this sneaking feeling that I'm ignoring something. That what is going on isn't exactly all there, there is something else happening and that something else is making me feel dull and less fulfilled by my daily life. Now the only reason that I know this is dull and lifeless is because I know what it feels like to be centered and fulfilled, we call it "spiritually fit". So anyway, the way that I figure all of this out, is really embarrassing and uncomfortable. The past couple of times this has happened I usually take it all internally, I hate my body I hate my hair, and it's not a normal amount of dissatisfaction, but charged with extra emotion. So I call someone and I tell them about it, and usually this person is someone that tells me the truth no matter what. She asks what is really going on, and I blurt out something completely unrelated but what is underneath all of the self loathing that I've been hanging onto. I deny myself in other ways when this happens. There is resistance concerning things that I normally enjoy. I don't want to do them. Going to meetings, socializing, reading, drawing, personal things aren't so appealing and there's just a sort of haze over everything. So when I finally connect it all and realize it's what I haven't been doing that's the problem, and that I just have to maintain a few things to keep it from happening again, I begin to learn that I've gotta be uncomfortable, feel the pain, cry about my hair, sound stupid on the phone, NOT KNOW EVERYTHING, so that I can learn. It's not very fun when it's happening, but I feel better when I can see through it and be grateful for it. Because I know how to get to the solution now.

I've been watching Mad Men and on the second disc series there is a five part documentary about feminism included with each disc. I just watched the first part and it really made me realize just how lucky I am to not be completely encouraged in every way to be a wife and a mother. Even though I want those things, it wasn't something that I felt I had to do as a last resort to get out of my parents house, and for survival. I hope that I can remember that the next time I get frustrated with my life. In unpacking from the move, I ran across one of my first college papers that I wrote in 2002 and it's titled "The Ignorance Of Feminism Today". I can't wait to read it.

christmas is a comin' and it's a comin'

we had a little snow day yesterday. jason's appointment was from west virginia and he couldn't make it, so we didn't go into the shop yesterday. i made pancakes and bacon for us and my brother and his gf julie came over, they live really close by. then we got all bundled up and walked to giant eagle to get some stuff for dinner and for the cookies i was going to bake.

emo shit will try to TRICK YOU!

emotions are so crazy. floating around unwarranted and mostly pretty irrational (well mine are anyways) for us to sort through and make sense of. i used to act on my insane emotions all of the time, in fact i trusted them with a lot of decisions that i made in my life with regard to relationships and how i took care of myself. acting on my emotions got me nowhere but medicated and depressed and going nowhere. i'd love to say that i don't do that anymore, but it's simply not true. i absolutely react on my emotions and make bad decisions based on them. the difference now is that i have an awareness that my emotions are not to always be trusted. what i do differently now is try to wrangle those motherfuckers and let them go without causing too much damage to myself and those around me. that's half the battle in my everyday life these days. but let me tell you, i've got the right support and the right resources now. that is something i'm positive of. and for me not to utilize those resources would be ignorant on my part.
emotional sobriety is one of the biggest challenges in my newly sober life. i've started meditating, being more serious about asking for humble direction from a god of my understanding, and doing a weekly self inventory with a therapist, and keeping journals for all of the rest of that emotional crap that's left over trying to TRICK ME!
BUT a little bird in the form of a big blue book told me that prayer, meditation, and self inventory builds an unshakeable foundation for life. and i believe it. my shit will someday be UNSHAKEABLE. watch the fuck out! :)

brogs are back!

i recently disabled viewing of this blog as per radical suggestion from a trusted friend, but then i thought better of it. mostly because i've read that i am to avoid hysterical advice. i'm not afraid of the internet!

things of note that have changed and that are important to me recently are as follows and then i've gotta go to work:

1. i fuckin' tattoo! it's so weird. i was tattooing this guy tom (who is going to end of sleeved by me if he keeps coming back like he has) and i had a moment where i was just amazed that i was doing a tattoo on some guy that i drew that he was going to pay me for. it just seems like it shouldn't be allowed. that it should be against the law or something.

2. i tattooed at the pgh meeting of the marked. erich foster from rise above tattoo in buffalo new york gave me the sweetest cry baby head in the ditch of my knee. i offered to tattoo him because he wouldn't take any money and he accepted! i was a ball of nerves, but i put a solid tattoo on him even though it was only about the size of a quarter.

3. i've been painting a lot and have been so much more motivated and satisfied with what i've been doing lately. i've been told that painting is like tattooing's little sister and that one helps the other. i've been noticing that i've been growing leaps and bounds with every painting and every tattoo that i do.

4. my schedule at starbucks is finally set and i work three days have one day off totally and tattoo three days. it's absolutely perfect and i couldn't have asked for a better schedule.

got my hair did and it's red. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i think i'm over dying my hair. i'm ok with it now, but i don't think i'll be doing it in the future. i also quit smoking on aug 20th! cold turkey and haven't picked one up no matter what since. unfortunately i've gained 7.4 lbs since then, but i'm back on track and hopefully that won't continue.

UPDATE

i figured i'd update since it's been awhile. i've been keeping a personal writing journal lately and that's been doing me good for awhile. the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for me emotionally. i'm finally off of that awful medication effexor xr. if anyone reading this is thinking of getting on this medication, i'd really think about the long term consequences. it's really hard to get off of this stuff. like i've read online message boards and people can't seem to deal with the awful side effects (including what has been adorably named "brain zaps" EW!) and never get off the medication. i'm talking like years and years on this stuff. thankfully i was weaned over a period of about a year and i think getting through early sobriety and having support from my sponsor and others really helped me through it. there were times when i wanted to cry for no reason and the irritability and agitation was just fucking awful. i couldn't believe anything i was thinking at times and i had to just trust that i wouldn't feel this way forever. it's day 19 without it and i can honestly say that i feel almost completely normal, but that didn't start until about two weeks into it. i truly feel free being almost completely free of any substance to help me deal with my life and smoking is next on the list. it's pretty incredible.

we got a new supervisor at starbucks, janice had to go to another store to help out because they didn't have a manager for awhile. i had been working A TON of hours the couple of weeks that she wasn't there and it sucked. mostly because i couldn't really tattoo that much and that's what i want to do and get better at. but since alicia has been there i've had a lot more time to be at the shop, draw, and tattoo. i'm getting better the more and more i work at it and it seems like all of the things that jason's been telling me that are floating around in my head are coming together more and more every time i do a tattoo. it's a slow process but i'm patient and am lucky enough to have the best teacher anyone could ever have. i recently tattooed a few of the girls that i work with at starbucks, a little coffee cup. it's our little club tattoo. the one barista wendy had never been tattooed, and i definitely see more tattoos in her future. a lot of the girls are getting really into it, which is really cool. i think jason and i have tattooed just about everyone there.

in tattoo news, i got my knee tattooed my krooked ken, jason and i did a mini sailor jerry tattoo on each other for our anniversary, and my traditional leg is slowly filling up. todd noble gave me a tattoo at the new york tattoo convention, and i've got an appointment with jared russell at black star tattoo in august. we're going to the seattle tattoo convention just before that also. lots of summer tattoo plans! i love it.

in much bigger news, black cat tattoos with no longer be at 314 north craig street. we're moving into the most perfect location ever, and we're so so excited about it. it's pretty fucking perfect and it's kind of unbelievable. anyway i'm going to go get a shower and head to work.

self centered realization number 495738952905

i used to feel a certain way when someone i know died. i always thought i should be feeling a certain way, crying, or be depressed. i don't know if i can chalk my feelings now up to being sober or just being older, but i'm much more ok with just letting myself feel however i feel. when jason told me that my aunt carol died yesterday i cried. i was at work and my boss let me go home early. i went home and called some family members, my mom, my stepmother, dad, and brother. i cried a little bit more, but mostly when i heard the sadness in others voices. i've never lost anybody that i spent a lot of time with. my grandfather died last march and now my aunt, who was young and died of liver cancer after a nine year battle with breast cancer. so this time i understand that its my job to comfort those in more pain than myself rather than to be all introspective and critical of my own reaction.

another reason i'm glad i'm sober

the student loan people called me today at work. i was about ready to scream at the lady cause i was having a bad day and no one likes to hear that they owe someone fifteen grand and some change. oh and that they are going to start garnishing my wages. so anyway i took a minute to think and stayed on the phone instead of hanging up (which i totally would have done before) and got all of the info, asked questions, was super polite, and took care of business. yay! and i'm not completely freaking out about it. that's some serious progress if i do say so myself. financial burdens are one of the things that i haven't really tackled yet, so this was a good start. slowly but surely i'll take care of business.

there are so many reasons why my life is awesome these days. i'm getting married to the love of my life, my best friend and the person who believes in me more than anyone in the whole world. i'm tatttooing on a semi regular basis and I LOVE IT, i've got a stable job that gives me health insurance, and i'm finally starting to develop a spiritual life that i'm happy with. not to mention that i'm doing weight watchers with my mom and i lost twenty lbs! i've got a great sponsee who is doing great in the program and i get to see her go thru recovery and all of the positive changes it brings. oh and i've also been going to the denist (dr. cheppa rules) and taking care of some problems that have had me anxious for a good while now. action action action. or as henry rollins says don't think about it, DO IT! totally the motto for 2009. anyway i'm going to go eat some pasta and watch ANTM. xoxox

ps. watch rupaul's drag race. you won't be sorry. nina flowers 4 ever. ttfn

a little bit of everything

so i'm tapering my medication down until i'm completely off of this devil shit effexor xr. under the guidance of my psychiatrist i've gone from 300mgs to 37.5mgs in about five months. i've gotta say that this shift has been by far the most rough. effexor is notoriously hard to wean from with a whole slew of awful side effects that include nightmares, blurred vision, wild mood swings, and nausea. all of which i've experienced in various combinations over the past week. it's gotten so bad at times that i thought that maybe my brain would never be the same or that i was living in some alternate reality. definitely not a good time. however it's done nothing but prove to me that this shit is really not for me anymore and definitely not something i ever want to be a part of my life again. if anything it's given me a reason to reflect on just how strong my ability to deal with life and my brain in reality is these days. in a lot of ways it reminds me of my first few months of sobriety when i was totally nuts. my brain was searching for whatever it could to abuse and escape like cigarettes, coffee, and food for example. when i'm feeling especially weird or crappy i just remember that i'm not my thoughts or feelings and that the chemical imbalance is just causing a crazy reaction that i can't really trust right now. it's sort of hard since i've just started to be able to trust myself and know my emotions a little better, but i'm sure that this is the right thing to do at this point in my life. next come the cigarettes, but you know, one thing at a time.

i did a tattoo on wednesday. some blue whales on chris kibler's gf sam. it was taken from a woodcut print from tugboat printshop. it turned out well, but i was really tired and irritable from working early so i wasn't in the best frame of mind. i was a little afraid that i wouldn't be able to make it look good after some shoddy linework, but i did my best and it turned out solid and clean. i feel like i'm getting way better at shading and solid color, but linework is going to take a long time to perfect. tattooing is not easy that's for sure, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and practice. i'm still having fun and just as pumped about doing it as i was before which is all i can really ask for.

i'm getting pretty frustrated at starbucks recently. they've cut some people's hours and our coverage for shifts is less than satisfactory. this means more work in less time and a lot more stress. i used to really enjoy it there, but it's just annoying now. it doesn't help that i'm going to be tattooing soon and i'd much rather be working on that than making fucking lattes but whatever. it's where i'm at right now and i've gotta build up. i can't just expect success to fall into my lap right away. it's just contrary to how my brain works. i want all the good stuff and benefits now, with no work. unfortunately that's just how it goes. at any rate i'm super grateful for my job and the opportunities i've been given recently. i've just gotta keep showing up for my life everyday and the rest will fall into place.

i'm really excited for christmas this year. i bought some awesome gifts and my relationships are just so much better than ever before. i feel like i have the opportunity to really be present this year and that's the best thing ever. being proud of yourself and happy with your life is one of the best gifts that anyone could ever get and i can proudly say that those things are a part of my life. i guess i'm just generally grateful for everything i've got these days. especially cable. twin peaks everyday. chiller channel rules.

merry christmas yinz.

i'm all moved in

i moved in with jason over the weekend and it was pretty much the easiest move i've ever done. i spent basically a day getting everything i wanted out of my place and after work jason and brian came and we loaded the truck up a couple times. when we got the second load ready, jason's dad and brother kevin were here and we knocked out the second load in about ten minutes. it was awesome and fast and best of all it's done and i don't have to worry about it anymore.

we got cable on sunday and i hate to say it but it's pretty awesome. the chiller channel rocks my world. they show twin peaks and tales from the darkside. i can catch up on all of the trashy tv series that i watch now and HELLO LIFETIME MOVIE CHANNEL! so awesome. i was off today and rearranged a bunch of stuff. it's starting to look really nice and homey in here. so far living together with all my stuff is way better than living together with a messy apartment with most of my crap and having to pay like 500 a month for it. now i can get jason that xbox 360 i've been wanting i mean he's been wanting. GUITAR HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah i'm really excited about the cute little drawing area that we've got. all of my books and shit are right there and it's what i've always wanted. an art space all my own. i guess i get another one next month when my station at the shop is ready. i'm really loving my life these days.

i'm going to be doing a tattoo on jason's sister in law amber soon. it will be the first custom tattoo i ever do and i'm so fucking pumped. mostly because she wanted something kind of difficult to imagine as a tattoo (for me anyways). and i made it look pretty good and definitely tattooable. jason thinks i should wait to do a couple more color tattoos before i tackle skin tone and all of that, so i'm trying to set up a couple of people for the next couple of weeks before i do ambers. i'll be sure to post pictures. i finished amanda's back last week. hopefully i'll get a nice photo of it all healed up. i took a kind of glarey picture of it with my phone that i suppose i'll post here just for shits and giggles, but it's not great.

we're watching anthony bourdain and eating mad mex so i'm going to cut this short. talk to yinz laterz!

ceremony

i watched this joy division documentary last night. it was really beautifully done. it made me realize how much i stopped listening to really emotional music that made me feel a certain way. i guess it's sort of related to how i view life these days, happy joyous, and free. but in a way listening to those songs and sort of understanding the struggles behind the lyrics really made me see the beauty and importance of them. it's such a powerful thing, music. i think when you listen to a band like joy division it takes you to a dark place that everyone has, and that can be scary sometimes. but in a way it's a symbol of triumph, for me anyways. because i see that although that deep rooted somber place that i have, and that i think everyone has, is there but i don't regret it. i don't see it as a current state of mind, it's a place that i've left long ago. and that sound just cuts straight to your fucking heart. no bullshit. just hits you right where it hurts.

i went to a bunch of meetings this weekend, i wasn't going because i was stuck in some fucking sad self pitying mood and all that i wanted to do was lay around eat ice cream and watch tv. i broke out of my sloth trance on friday and went to a meeting and was asked to give a lead at amberson which is one of the biggest meetings in the city. i told my story to about 100 alcoholics and it was nervewracking but good. i wasn't scared really and there is just a certain calm that comes over me when i'm speaking like that in front of everyone. i feel like it's a measurement of my confidence level and i guess i'm a pretty fearless person sometimes. it felt good.

jason and i got started on getting my crap out of my old apartment. we ordered cable because we can afford it and it's cheap now. i've got mixed feelings about cable, but i spend a lot of time at home anyway and we don't really go out and do much in the winter. hopefully it won't be a mistake. :()

cara cable. tattooer?

it's been about a week since i found out that i have to move. i went through some mourning and i cried a lot and i'm accepting the fact that it's time for change even though i didn't prompt it. i've noticed that i've been dealing with it in a really crappy way that's been affecting my mood everyday since. i'm totally lazy, eating really badly, and kind of paralyzed by the thought of doing anything about the situation. the way that i've been dealing with the responsibility of having my own place was an old pattern of living irresponsibly that at one time worked for me before but doesn't work anymore now that i'm sober. for one thing, being a sober person who's trying to live in a sober adult way it's totally counterproductive for me to do what i've been doing, so that causes a lot of stress and anxiety. the problem with all of this is that it's natural for me to avoid responsibility instead of kicking it in the ass and getting shit done for myself so that i don't cause huge problems for myself in the future. i've been slacking off in every aspect of my life this past week and it's not cool. i feel pretty crappy on an everyday basis because of it. my sponsor likes to call these poopy situations AFGO's (another fucking growth opportunity). once i bust through it and do the best that i can, i'll feel a million times better and have learned a good lesson, problem is i've gotta actually do the work to feel better and when i get like this it's really hard to snap out of my self pity and depression and just fucking do it. now i've got "do it" by the Rollins Band running through my head. i think i'll just blast that song while i'm trying to get amped up to move. ugh.

on a lighter note, i finished chris's posada tattoo yesterday. it took forever, but it's finally done and i'm pretty satisfied with it. i only got to do the outline on amanda's back, but i'm getting pretty comfortable with the shader so i think i'll be able to do it fairly quickly. i need to start tattooing more than once a week, because i feel like it takes forever for me to get back into the groove of it after awhile. jason said it'd stick with me once i've been doing it for awhile, but at this point i'm still such a beginner i feel like things don't start flowing for me until i'm almost done. i've got a couple more people lined up with ideas and a bunch more that say they wanna get stuff from me. it's really flattering that people have responded with such trust and encouragement. next i'm going to do a wind up toy robot on this guy that works for starbucks and a rose with a mom banner from sailor jerry's flash for liz. i've been so lucky that people want cool shit, but i know my name and kanji days are comin.

just wanted to mention that i've got pretty much the most amazing boyfriend ever. but he cannot keep a secret because he showed me the frame of the tattoo machine that he's getting me for christmas. it's so beautiful. it's got my name on it and it's so simple and elegant looking. it's so incredibly perfect. i can't fucking wait to use it. it's hard to believe that it'll just be him and i at the shop starting in a little over a month. i can't believe it. sometimes i forget that brian won't be there anymore and that it's just going to be him and i. once we start getting my station and the whole shop in order it'll set in i'm sure, but for now things are just pretty much like they always were and i forget that i'll be doing tattoos for money soon (hopefully).

everytime i think about myself as a tattooer, i get a lot of mixed feelings. in my head it's the most exciting and perfect thing that i can possibly think of to do at this point in my life. and i'm full of gratitude and love for all of my peers and especially jason. mostly because i know that the bar is really high these days and i'm so grateful because i've got really amazing shit to strive to accomplish. i know that when jason and brian started they didn't have that, and it took them a lot longer to get better because they were figuring everything out for themselves. sometimes i feel like i'm cheating and that it's too easy for me because i've got everything pretty much laid out for me to get better more quickly. and i also can't help but think about what other tattooers must think of me because of this. i know that it's none of my business what other people think of me, but i do think about it and it keeps me from really celebrating my small successes sometimes because i feel like it's not completely of my own doing. i know that this will change once i start tattooing without jason's help, but until that happens i'll just have to keep on taking direction and doing the best that i can with the amazing tools that i'm lucky enough to have. i guess i just want to say thank you to jason and brian and all of the amazing tattooers and artists that have worked really hard to make my journey a little easier.

a few days ago i walked into my apartment to grab some shoes because the only reason i've been going there for about the past month is to get something. and my place was all cleaned up with a lot of my stuff in boxes. my landlord is renting my apartment out and i had no idea until i went there the other day. i've been behind on my rent since last year and financially just haven't been able to catch up and it's been a huge source of anxiety for me for a long time. i've also been struggling with the idea of whether or not i want to make the move to live with jason. i've gotta be out of my apartment by december first. i'm not ready for this change mostly because it wasn't prompted by me, but i shouldn't have expected anything less considering i've been dodging my rent for so long.

i feel so bad and irreponsible and like nothing is going to make me feel better, but i know that's not true. i just have to suck it up and be an adult and take care of this. i'm nervous.

bingo

today is cold. i woke up this morning because i was shivering under my heavy comforter. we're going to handmade arcade today to hopefully buy some cool handmade stuff. then i'm tattooing my coworker amanda. i'm a little nervous about this one because it's a lot of long straight lines and i just don't want to fuck it up. i'll post pictures later.

the convention was awesome i sold a few of my paintings and got a couple tattoos. now that it's over i feel like i'm just kind of waiting for the holidays to start and then the real big changes are going to arrive. lots of work remodeling the shop and i think jason and i are going to move in together finally. it just doesn't make sense for us to waste money on two rents especially considering i spend all of my time at his place anyway. we're talking about moving into my apartment until the weather warms up and we can get a two bedroom place that we both like. i'm not settling for anything but exactly what we want because i won't want to move again until we buy a house.

i'm going to chiro tomorrow because my back is totally fucked up and i've been in pain for the past two months or more. i hope it works. i was sort of skeptical of chiros in the past, but i'll try anything now.

i'm working on a new bunch of paintings that revolve around paper doll imagery. i'm pretty excited and the first one turned out pretty well. i'm getting better at fades and stuff. pictures will follow.

turd cuts

my mom was admitted to the hospital on tuesday. she was having chest pains and after some testing they ruled out anything cardiac, but determined that it was acid reflux and some sleep apnea. basically all because of her obesity. it scares me because i believe that my mom uses food the same way that addicts use drugs or alcohol. my mom isn't an alcoholic or drug addict, but i definitely think she's got a problem with using food as a drug. as far as this stuff is concerned i can do nothing but be an example of how recovery can change your life. that's pretty hard when it's your mom.

on a lighter note, the convention is this weekend and i'm really excited. jason is getting all of his stuff together, and i think that we may be having dinner with ken and mike from black anchor tonight. i've got about 13 paintings to sell and we're going to be passing out these cute little pamphlets that jason made explaining the transition from eye candy to black cat. we took a look at the artist list last night and i've got my eye on jesse strother to tattoo me if i can grab some time with him. he's badass!

i was supposed to work today but meadow covered my shift. i'm finally going to go up to my apartment after about two weeks of ignoring that place. i've gotta pay my rent as much as i don't want to, and get a few things squared away. possibly start actually staying up there. ugh. i've just gotta do it!

i worked my ass off at work yesterday. i've been getting really tired of that place lately. i know this because i've been letting mean customers get to me. mostly i can ignore them or just be nice and forget about it, but occasionally i let them sneak in.

anyway i've gotta go get my day started. TTFN!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes slowly

i done did another tattoo yesterday. it was on one of my very best friends tim cannon. it was so much fun and i didn't freak out nearly as much as i did before. it took less time than i thought, a mere two hours, and everytime i tattoo it gets a tiny bit easier than before. i had such a great time.

yesterday was pretty much awesome all around. my brother brought us starbucks and we all hung out for a bit. i cleaned up the apartment and did a little skull painting. tim came over and we headed to the shop where i convinced him to let me do something a little easier and more tattooable than what he wanted (about three small paragraphs of lettering scrolling around his arm. ugh) and i had the best fun doing it. i chaired the meeting and we came back home and ate village white pizza (SO DELICIOUS). tim, jason, and i had a pretty awesome convo about buddhism and i read and went to sleep. my life now is so gratifying and awesome. my relationships with people just continue to get more and more dynamic and meaningful and i'm getting used to the idea of being a respected person.

learning how to tattoo has been one of the best experiences of my life so far, and i couldn't have done it without getting sober first. i've learned to accept that doing a little bit of something at a time gradually will eventually leave you with something significant to look at, if only you work at it bit by bit. this is completely contrary to the way that my brain is used to thinking, so it takes some time to not want to expect immediate results or get an immediate solution, which using drugs and alcohol so conveniently provided. but it works and i'm feeling so awesome about the small amount of progress that i've made so far. it gives me hope and motivation to keep doing what i'm doing.

it's a new day. yay!

i didn't go to that party last night. i still felt all wonky from this weird headache i've been having and being around a bunch of drunk people in the cold in a halloween costume just didn't seem appealing. so instead jason, brent, and i made toll house cookies and ate them with ice cream while watching transamerican love story on netflix. if you don't know what that is, it's a reality show featuring a mtf transsexual who is looking for love on a reality show. it was so bizarre and we had fun making our own commentary. we watched the first and last episodes only because that's all we could stand. brent went home and while jason played diablo II i watched the amazing ladies and gentlemen the fabulous stains. this movie if you don't know, was just released on dvd and was made in 1981, the year mtv came out. not only does it really show candidly the way that the media shapes fame, it features three girls who form a punk rock band and who in the end get the fame that they deserve, by themselves and without the help of some guy that one of them is romantically involved in. it was so awesome to see that, plus diane lane and laura dern are super young and punk rock. it's really sad how much we've backslided over the past twenty years. a movie like this would never be made today.

i've been sleeping so well lately, and getting up around nine everyday which is unprecedented for me. i think it's cutting off caffeine in the afternoon and evening. hopefully my headaches won't persist. i'm pretty certain that it was caffeine withdrawal that was causing them. i did a symptom checker on webmd.

i'm tatttooing my good friend tim today. he's getting some lettering on his arm. i'm excited. i'll let yinz know how it turns out.

fat

i feel really funny today. i don't know if it's the cut down in caffeine, but i'm depressed and my head feels all fuzzy. i've been so down on myself lately, and i've not even been off my diet for a month. today was the first day in awhile that i could wear clothes that aren't clothes to go to work in and i got so upset at my body. i hate feeling like this, i feel so huge and unattractive. ugh i just had to say it. i was at the shop and i just had to leave, nothing was going to make me feel better. i'm back to weight watchers even though i just want to eat everything in the world.